Page 37 ZeroControl

                                       OUT OF CONTROL.                                                                 5-24-10

                                                                             Roy Garde.

“Sit in that chair and lean back please because not only will you find that you’re more comfortable that way but it’s also designed to ease you into the right frame of mind for what we’re aiming to do here.”

“Oh! And that is? I mean, what, exactly, are we ‘aiming to do here’?”

“Oh, dear. If we start out belligerently we’re not going to get very far at all I’m afraid. Well, perhaps we can avoid some awkwardness if we get right to the point. Do you agree?”

“All right. I agree. Let’s do that.”

“Good. Uh, let me say here that everything that you tell me is completely confidential so the more open you are with the details the better I can help you. Do you see that?”

“I guess so. All right, I’ll try my best.”

“Good. Yes, well – uh – your mother told me what happened to you when she called to make this appointment and now I’d like to hear it directly from you, please. From the beginning. Go back as far as you want to.”

“All right. Let’s see now. I guess you mean whatever I feel is relevant? Well, I started to date boys way back when I was a freshman in high school and I did a lot of kissing in the back seat of their father’s cars. I quite liked doing it and sometimes I’d let them undo my bra but I never let them get their hands inside my panties. Not ever. Nor, after that first time, would I let them expose themselves and I took good care to never touch the nasty, ugly thing for them – not even through their clothing.

“Well. I followed the same rules in college and – “

“Uh, just a minute please. ‘Nor, after that first time’ you said. You don’t think that the details of that episode are relevant?”

“Well, I guess they are but ever since it happened I’ve tried to not think about it no matter about talk about it.”

“Do you think that perhaps right now could well be exactly the right time to talk about it?”

 “Oh! Ha. Well yeah, that’s true I guess. All right, I will. It happened when I was fourteen. I was kissing the first guy over the age of sixteen that I’d ever gone out on a date with. We were in the back seat of his car and I remember being in kind of awe from being his date and so I didn’t stop him when he began to touch my breasts through my blouse. Well, I guess that he figured that that was his go-ahead signal and he took it into his head to go a whole lot further and the next thing I knew he’d taken one of my hands and had put it on his thing, his penis, which he had already taken out into the open and he arranged my fingers so that they were kind of clasping it. I guess that it was the shock that I felt that stopped me from snatching my hand away in that very same second. Then he put the dome light on – I still have no idea why he did that – and I could see it clearly then and I thought that it was the ugliest, grossest thing that I’d ever seen in my life.

“I let go of it as if it was red hot and then I burst into tears and I made him take me home. He pleaded with me all of the way to not tell any one what had happened and when we got to my street he wouldn’t let me get out of the car until I promised.

“I must have washed my hands ten times or more when I got indoors.

“I kept my promise about not telling but my friends guessed that something bad had happened and although he was a great looking jock none of them would so much as speak to him after that. We all knew that he liked dating young girls mostly and he had to look for them one class behind ours from then on.

“Well, that’s it but I can still see the horrible thing if I let my mind go back to that night. It was standing up straight and it was all swollen and purple and menacing – – – argggch – – –

“So. Where was I? Oh, yes. I kept to the same rules all through my freshman and sophomore years in college even though most of the guys that I went out with couldn’t believe it when I told them ‘no’ after they’d had enough of fondling my breasts and wanted to move on down. Because of that I didn’t get asked out on many second dates.

“Anyway – a month ago I met this grad student and he was nice and really good looking too.

“We had coffee together a few times and I let him pull me into shop doorways and the like to be able kiss me and touch me a little and then, last Saturday morning which was the day that a big football game was going to be played in the afternoon, he called and asked me if we could meet up in my dorm that afternoon. I asked why didn’t he want to watch the game like everybody else on campus and he said that he’d much rather be with me.

“Well, that was flattering but I should have guessed what he meant by ‘being with me’, and I should have better interpreted my friends’ strange looks when I told them what time my date with him was.

“There was no one else on the whole floor when he came into the room that I share with another girl. He got me to sit next to him on my bed and he started kissing me and then feeling me up and I let him go further than I’d ever done for anyone else. I was a bit reluctant to do it but he was a great kisser and I really liked him and wanted to please him so that he’d want to – uh – stick around some. Also I thought, naively, that there were rules and that guys can’t go from second base to home base without lingering at third base for a while and that surely there was always an umpire located somewhere between third and home who would be ready to jump in and slow things down.

“Well, as I said, for the first time with any man I let him put his hand inside my panties and what he did with his fingers felt so good that I voluntarily lay back on the bed and then I involuntarily opened my legs to let him bring his whole hand into play.

‘Sure enough, his touches got to be more and more pleasurable for me and when he moved both hands onto the sides of my panties and started pulling at them I lifted my bottom up a little so that he could ease them down because I figured that he wanted to be able to do some of that cunnilingus that I’ve read about and heard about for so long.

“When he’d pulled them down to my mid thighs he stopped and said, ’Jesus Christ, woman. You’re fucking beautiful!’ and, in spite of the blasphemy and the crudity, I was relieved to hear him say it because he was the first man to ever see it and I had doubts about whether or not they would like it because to me it looks as if it’s unfinished and grotesque what with having kind of strange, raw, widely open lips that my pubic hair doesn’t even begin to cover properly.

“Well. He started kissing my belly and my thighs and then probed into me with his nose and his tongue and he was making deep groaning sounds all the time and I thought from hearing that that he was totally content just with being able to kiss me there so when he got to his knees and began pulling at my panties again I figured that it was because he wanted to be able to open my legs more to get better access and so when he got them down past my knees I parted them for him and I expected him to do some more kissing and licking.

“Well, the very second that he got to see the fully opened-up display of what I have down there he went nuts. His groans turned into a sort of contained roar and a strange look came onto his face and his eyes squinted up and got kind of strained and I knew right then that I was in big trouble. I sat up and tried to pull my panties back up but he wouldn’t let me and he pushed me back down and held me there with one hand and then used the other one to free my right foot from my panties and he was in such a hurry that he just left them wrapped around my other ankle.

“I was shouting at him to stop but it seemed as if he couldn’t hear me because he just kept on holding me down while he unzipped himself and then he opened the packet on a condom with the help of his teeth and then he rolled it onto himself with one hand.

“He got on top of me and he forced my legs open with his own and he pinned my arms and then he pushed his way into me. All of this without another word coming out of his mouth!

“Not only did it hurt a lot but the humiliation was – uh – like total. I was frantic. This can’t be happening I told myself even as it was happening. I’d always believed that when I’d finally let a man do it to me it would be on the night that I got engaged and that it would be with a gentle guy who would be slow and caring and not one who would go at it like a bull like this one was doing. I felt betrayed and I felt like an idiot and like a victim at the same time.

“After it was over I could only lie there crying and I couldn’t touch myself to get some comfort because the whole area down there was too sore and I was kind of scissoring my legs to try to ease the pain. He saw how upset I was and then, when he had sat up, he saw blood coming out of me and so he went and got some water and a towel and offered to wash me but I wouldn’t let him come near me. He didn’t understand that I still thought of my private parts as being private even though he’d – uh – used them.

“Well. When I could talk I told him to leave even though he was apologizing like mad and was telling me that he’d had no idea that I was a virgin and he kept asking why did I let him come up in the first place seeing that I had to know that we’d certainly be alone and what did I think was going to happen – that we’d drink tea and chat maybe?

“He went on and on like that and after a while I realized that he was getting to be less sorry about what he’d done and more worried about whether I was going to do something stupid like call the rape hot line or like that. I simply kept repeating that he had to go away and finally he did.

“I just laid there and cried until I heard someone come onto the floor and it could well have been my room-mate so I got up and put a robe on and then went to take a shower and then I got dressed and then I called my mother and I drove all the way here across four states.

“Well, when my mother found out that the guy had worn a condom and that I had invited him to come to see me knowing that we’d be alone for hours in my room that she knows has two beds in it she stopped looking worried and she told me that she’d take me to our family doctor the next morning – that’s Dr. Webber, do you know him? Yes? Yes. – instead of calling the police and taking me to the emergency room of our local hospital as she’d said she was going to do over the phone when I first called her.

“Well, she took me to Dr. Webber’s place and after his examination he told us both that I wasn’t bruised anywhere and that no lasting damage had been done apart from the tearing of my hymen but as he was saying it I saw a look in his eyes that plainly showed then what he told my mother later – they’d gone to his office as I was getting dressed – and that was that in his opinion nothing detrimental had happened to me, medically speaking, and nothing remarkable had taken place, anthropologically speaking, and nothing unlawful had been done, legally speaking, seeing that I was over eighteen already.

“When we got home my mother told me what he’d said to her and her own attitude showed that she clearly echoed his opinion. That made me start crying again and when I’d calmed down a bit I – uh – remonstrated and then she told me that she herself had ‘lost it’ in high school when she was seventeen and she’d thought of it as only being a milestone on the road to womanhood and that I should try to think the same thing too and that now that it had happened maybe I could also think about ‘relaxing a little at last and try to embrace life more fully and have some fun’ and that I should think really hard about going back to college immediately because otherwise the episode would maybe escalate from being merely unpleasant to becoming traumatic. When I heard her say all that I started crying again and she softened a bit and said that I could stay home as long as I wanted to but that she was going to call you and make an appointment for me as soon as I thought that I was ready for it and was reasonably sure that I wouldn’t start crying again in your office.

“Well. Last night in bed I’d stabilized a bit and so I probed with my finger and was astonished to find that I’d already healed in there. My hymen had been completely torn less than three days before and yet I had to search to find a spot inside me that still hurt! Finding that out got me to calm down a lot more and I could then think more rationally and I realized that what my mother had told me sounded sensible. Well. This morning I asked her to call you and here I am.

“The problem now is that I don’t think that I’ll be able to concentrate in the classes where he is the T.A. because I think that I’ll keep remembering that he did what he wanted to in spite of my protests and that I’ll keep bringing up that image of him just before he – uh – pushed it into me when I saw that he had a nasty, single-minded determination in his face as he overpowered me. I can’t, for the life of me, come to terms with it nor why – seeing that it all happened so easily – why doesn’t every girl and woman get raped ten times a day by ten different men?

“Also I’m worried that maybe I won’t see any ordinary men anymore I’ll only see men who, with half a chance, will drag me behind some bushes and force me to lie down for them.

“There. That’s it I guess.”

“Well done. That really was fully comprehensive and we can work together much better after that detailed account because I understand what’s worrying you now.

“Well. Please let me talk without interruption for a while. Losing your virginity is no small thing in any woman’s life and it would have been so in your case too even if you’d been a willing partner and fully co-operative no matter about seeing that it was done with force. Having said that let me also say that I think Dr. Webber stayed within his role and did and said the right thing and that your mother was wise and also correct to advise you to re-embrace the outside world as soon as you can. By going back to college quickly not only will you find that you’re not hopelessly behind in your class work but it will also keep you busy and that will help you to deal with the unpleasant experience and let you get on with your normal life more quickly.

“Now, let’s see. You’ve recovered physically and obviously you’ve come through the denial aspect and you are well on the way to coping with your anger. So, what you need from me is help to get rid of that anger completely and to do that I’ll have to try to get you to understand what happened and why it happened.

 “So. Let’s start on doing that right now.

                 “I don’t know if you’ve seen animals mating in real life but you’ve almost certainly seen them doing it on television. Right? The female takes on a look of patient acceptance while it’s going on while the male seems to be strangely indifferent and even uninvolved so long as she doesn’t threaten to break away. And then, a second after he’s ejaculated successfully, the roles change completely and she snarls and jumps her way clear and he backs off out of her space and then, like as not, skulks away without a backward glance.

                “Well now, what I’m trying to point out to you here is that the female is receptive and the male is dominant leading up to and during the act because there is a power that Nature provides that is much stronger than either of them can counteract and She’s going to see to it that whatever it takes to ensure penetration and injection is going to be brought to bear I spades. The instant that that power isn’t needed anymore She lets it go away and without it the female thinks that what’s happening to her is threatening and she reacts ferociously because she is by then back under her own, normal control. As for the male, by then he doesn’t even remember why he wanted to mount her in the first place and won’t do so until Nature coaches him again.

                “Well the trigger, for large animals, comes from the female when she gets in heat and when that happens she had better be ready to accept a male because they’re going to come from far and wide to oblige her. They can’t stop themselves from responding to her clear messages.

                 “However, human males are ever ready and are constantly on the alert for a chance to spread their seed wherever and whenever they can. It’s built into our systems.

                  “For men, besides having that strong drive to mate with a female, making out with one is intensely pleasurable of course, just sitting on a couch with her when her parents are in the next room is exciting for a while, but if they’re allowed to get to lie on her bed when the two of them are completely alone and he’s allowed to kiss her and to touch her that is a pretty clear triggering action for him on its own. So, it follows that being allowed to also see what’s between her legs is a trigger writ large indeed and if it happens after the woman has voluntarily allowed that to happen then his basic, programmed, rutting mode kicks in and takes over control of his subsequent actions.

                  “The drive to mate starts early for all boys and when they get to be twelve or thirteen years of age, on average, and they are at first dismayed with the regular tumescences that they experience at ever decreasing time periods. Inevitably they learn from their peers how to masturbate to completion and from then on they have to do it often to get relief. They have zero experience of girls and what it might be like to be with one but they do know for sure that they can’t think straight because of needing relief and because they also find a good deal of pleasure in masturbation the cycle gets to be both established and solidly reinforced.

“So, when those boys get to be eighteen or so their penises are just about as big as they are ever going to get and their hormones are in full flow by then so their needs are ten times as intense as they were when they were twelve years old. When they get full erections at that age, and from then on for years and years into their future, they feel as if they are lying alongside their penises and that the rest of their body is merely an adjunct to it and that it is there mainly to provide support for it.

“Now, let’s see, how did you describe the one that you saw when you were fourteen years old? ‘Ugly and menacing’ was it? Well, you literally don’t know the half of it. When you find a long-term partner for yourself I suggest that you explore the shaft of his penis – he won’t mind at all, I assure you! – and do it when it’s fully erect. Run your fingers down it and on through his scrotum and feel for the root of it. You’ll find that it goes way down and you’ll be able to feel where its base root begins. If you then roughly measure the concealed internal part, using your whole hand as a measure, you’ll find that it is close to being as long, and as thick, as the exposed part is.

“Altogether it is about the same size as your forearm and can you imagine having a member as long as that, half buried at your center, pulsing and aching along the whole length of it due to the pressure that it’s under and, besides clamoring for attention and demanding relief, that is sending urgent messages to your brain that, in turn, generate all-encompassing urges and, indeed, infuses every fiber of the rest of your body with need?

               “If a guy in his prime gets an erection when he’s alone in bed at night or in the morning it can get so hard that it makes him whimper from the pain and the need that it is generating and he fights to not have to appease it with his hands because that is schoolboy stuff. Uh, he does, however, lose the fight very often. Well. That all happens when he’s alone so imagine how he’s affected if he is lying on a bed with a woman and gets to feel and see her soft belly and her interesting and intriguing labia through her pubic hair – Oh my!

              “Uh – an aside here, if I may – as to your fears about the appearance of your labia, believe me, all men know that there is, and never could be, anything that is even the slightest bit ugly about prominent lips down there, nor with any other any other feature that’s present, and if he has an erection when he’s looking at it then there’s nothing in the world that could possibly be more enticing, even entrancing, and not being allowed to find completion by penetrating it after all that provocation is more than a man can be fairly expected to stand. He should stop if asked or pleaded with, of course, but it’s very difficult for him and, let’s face it, he should never be placed in that position in the first place.

              “Well, now, young lady. No doubt you’ve given yourself orgasms when you’re alone at night, maybe after seeing a suggestive movie or while reading a provocative book or magazine, and I can tell you that the feeling that you get is very close to what men feel when they have them but you have to remember that men are programmed to initiate the action that will get them there.

           “And, after all, seeing that they are the ones who are carrying the instrument that can make it happen when they get, or think that they’re getting, a green light to go ahead the fact becomes established and gets to be locked in and all other inputs after that are barely registered by their brains if at all. If the woman has already lifted herself up to let him pull her panties down ‘a little’ then that is almost as close to being given a green light as a direct verbal encouragement would be.

“So. Staying intact for one’s future husband might be an admirable thing to do but now that you’re not intact anymore the concept is no longer in force so you are in a different position but you must always try to remind yourself that you are not any the less a person for it. Do you see what I’m saying here?”

“Yes. I’m glad that you told me about how men are programmed but in that last bit are you telling me that seeing that I have done it once from now on all of the other times that I do it in my life won’t count for much?”

“By no means. Decidedly not. Everytime that you agree to do it with an old lover or with a new one is an important decision for you to make and has to be carefully considered but it is true, as you intuited, that each succeeding time with the same partner obviously has a little less import – but that’s true with most things in our lives, right? Further to that, when you have a permanent partner then, perhaps lamentably for you, you’ll have to let him do it often even when he’s the only one who wants to have sex but that’s the way of the world and, as you’ll get to find out for yourself, when you’re between the sheets your gender is definitely your destiny, unfortunately. You have to reconcile yourself to that fact as do the vast majority of women in every country of the world. In many of those countries women are still only ornamental pleasure-providers and baby-producers and cooks and cleaners and, unpleasant though it maybe for you to have to accept the fact, although women in the western world are way ahead of the norm in all other aspects of life they are not much different when they’re in bed with a man because the role for all of them is pre-determined. They have no alternative but to learn to lie still and open up to get penetrated and injected and although nature has programmed them to accept their role in the long run the first few times are necessarily traumatic and that is the reason that you are feeling discombobulated because the first time for you was both unwanted and more painful and crude than was necessary. Also, more importantly, it didn’t turn out to be the first part of a continuum which is necessary if you are going to get to be fully reconciled to what will become your given on-going role.”

“Oh, my God! I think I’d better give up right now and get me to nunnery. What a bleak future you’ve painted.”

“Well, yes, but I want to emphasize again that in this country a man can only really dominate you when you are in bed with him. And even then, if you deal with it cleverly, you can minimize his predominance as most women soon learn to do.”

“Ah ha! Now I see. I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever let a man into my bed again after what you said about gender determining destiny. So you think that it would help with my ‘continuum’ if I go out with the same guy again?”

“It would do so indeed but the question is – can you forgive him enough to let him touch you again?”

“Well, it’s a bit unbelievable to me but I think that I’ll be able to now. After what you told me. – – – Yes, come to think on it, yes, that’s true although there was no way I could have done so before hearing all that you said. Right now instead of hating all men as being predatory beasts I now pity the poor things for having been born male and having to deal with carrying around a penis that predetermines their destiny 24/7 and much more severely than having a vagina does for us. I guess that the poor guy could do nothing differently from what he did after I’d laid down on the bed with him no matter about stupidly letting him get to see everything that I have. I’ll apologize to him and I’ll find a nice discrete way to assure him that the next time that we lie on a bed together we’ll be on the same page.

“Tell me, Doctor, do you think that he’ll ever want to invite me out on a date again after what happened on the last one?”

“I’m pretty sure he will if you are diplomatic in your initial approach and it won’t only be in thanks for a chance to appease his guilt. You are a very attractive young woman,”

“Well, thank you and what you told me is really good advice. I’ll start working on a ‘diplomatic approach’ the minute that I leave here.”

“Good. I’m entirely sure that you’ll find one that will do the job for you.”

“Well, thank you doctor. Listen, I’m glad that my mother made this appointment for me and not only because he really is a nice, good looking guy. You know, I think that I must be nearly healed already – mental-attitude-to-life-wise, I mean – because a moment ago when I asked for your opinion as to whether the guy would agree to see me again a strange thing happened as you were answering and I know that my mother will be very pleased when I tell her about it!

“What happened was that I felt a kind of warmth start up at my center and what came to my mind at the same time, or just after it maybe, was that given that all penises are the same and that they’re all ugly then it follows that his can’t be an exception – there can be no exceptions to that rule surely – and so, even though I didn’t get to see it properly I certainly did get to feel it properly and so I know that his must be hugely ugly and, so I’ve been told, that’s a good thing, right?”

“My work here is done. Drive yourself back to college this very afternoon.”