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You will notice that the date shown is a Thursday and not the usual Monday and that’s because my computer ate my homework as I was trying to copy/paste it to this website. Honest! So, here’s a different one and I’ll publish the other one next Monday SDQ.
FALSE CUT. 1-21-11
Roy Garde.
James Moody had only just started high school when he heard the word ‘Vasectomy’ used by a visitor to his home and when he’d left, after having dinner and some drinks, Jim looked it up in his dictionary. He was an impressionable youth, and somewhat more horny than was the norm, and after reading about the details of the operation, and its rational, he took to day-dreaming as to how to best exploit his new-found knowledge.
All of the possibilities that he came up with revolved around letting it be known by all the girls at school that he’d had it done and then sit back and wait for them to come to him, one at a time, and, after getting him to confirm what they’d been told, beg him to reveal the mysteries of the bedroom to them knowing that it would be safe for them to do so with him seeing that he’d been shorn.
Because he knew next to nothing about ‘the mysteries of the bedroom,’ and was scared silly when he so much as thought about what they might be, he never did tell anybody but he cherished the fantasy and he reveled in it even when he’d found out that girls only give out benefits, no matter about ‘going all the way,’ with guys who they like and, for the most part, other considerations don’t much register with them which holds true until they get to be fully grown women when they have to lower their standards and settle for the best that’s available to them.
When he got to be twenty-three years old Jim was delighted to find that he filled the bill for a young lady, Betty Green, who he’d always liked and who had wanted nothing to do with him when they were both high school students but had since, realistically, re-assesed her position. Her choice was made much easier for her because he was much better looking since his bad case of acne had cleared up.
They had a baby quite quickly and they were both appalled at the amount of time and effort that had to be poured into raising a child and they “totally” agreed that one was plenty thank you. However, both of them underestimated how much influence a woman’s mother has over her when she puts her mind to finding ways to influence her mindset – including but by no means confined to constant nagging and hints as to how at least two children are essential to form a “stable” family, even though she’d only had one of them herself, and how she’d “always be ready to help you with the little darlings” – and, sure enough, baby number two somehow got to be conceived in spite of Jim’s scrupulous use of condoms.
The young couple became very unhappy when they found out that two babies need around three times the amount of care that one of them can get by on and they “totally, totally” agreed that another one was not in the picture and his wife went on the pill knowing that she could stay in control that way.
After around eighteen months she started getting some nasty side, and central, effects from the pills and her gynecologist strongly recommended that she stop using them.
Because Jim had already made it very plain to her that he wasn’t going to wear condoms for the next twenty years, or so, she got fitted for a diaphragm, which she intended to augment with contraceptive cream, but to their dismay the very first time that she wore it they found that, in their case, it wasn’t physically possible to go through with it because when he was only about a half way into her he screamed in pain and had to withdraw in haste and confusion because, “I came up against something hard in there that really hurt!”
She sympathized with him, of course, and so she said, “Oh, you poor thing! You should only feel softness in there, I’m so very sorry, really – – – Well, tell you what, Jim – How about I go down on you this time and tomorrow I’ll go and see the doctor and ask her if I’m doing something wrong.”
The doctor assured her that there is only one way to insert the thing and so she had to be doing it correctly but when she took measurements, before insertion and after, she was surprised to find that although her vagina, unprotected, could accommodate nine and three eighth inches of intrusion when the diaphragm was in place her measuring rod would only go in six and a quarter inches due to a peculiar anomaly in the structure of her vagina that, the doctor said, had probably been caused when it had taken on the role of being a birth canal for her first baby and it, whatever it was, had been exacerbated by the second one.
“However,” she went on, “six and a quarter inches should be easily enough to accommodate your husband comfortably so, to find out what we’re dealing with here and before taking another step, will you please measure your husband’s penis. Uh, that’s when it’s fully erect, of course.”
She went home, where her mother was looking after the children for her, and she explained the problem to her and also what the doctor had asked her to do and her mother understood at once and volunteered to stay there for a half hour after Jim got home from work so that Betty could take the required measurements.
Her mother found it difficult indeed to not make a sarcastic comment about Jim, after she’d made a commiserating one to her daughter, but she succeeded, just.
When Betty had taken Jim into the bedroom, and had ‘helped’ him to meet the requirement regarding ‘full erection’, she applied the ruler and knew at once that using the diaphragm would never be feasible.
She called the doctor anyway, because she’d asked her to do so as soon as she’d finished her task, and she gasped when she heard the number that she’d come up with – exactly nine and three eighths inches – and then, after both commiserating with her and congratulating her, she told her what she already knew about never being able to use the diaphragm again and, she also told her that she really shouldn’t have any more babies until she’d undergone some explorative surgery. Betty was able to assure her that that was never going to happen.
So, it was back to the hated condoms for Jim but he could only put up with using them for a few weeks before rebelling because he’d been doing it ‘bare back’ for so many years by then that, as he told her, “Doing it with one of them things on only barely beats out jerking-off.”
Because Betty couldn’t go back on the pill he decided to check out the procedure and the drawbacks, if any, that having a vasectomy entails and when he found nothing but plusses from all sources he went ahead and had it done.
Besides solving the couple’s problem very well indeed it also earned him the dubious distinction of being welcomed home afterwards, as he slowly and carefully made his way into the living room, by a kiss – the only one that he ever got – from his mother-in-law.
Jim earned his living as a travelling salesman for a pharmaceutical company and one day, on his rounds, he called in on the small drugstore of a regular customer and he found that two young ladies were staffing it instead of the couple – a Mr. and Mrs. Enders.
When he asked about their absence one of the women, Tammy Ann, told him that she was their niece and had recently graduated from her college in Alabama and, following a long established agreement, she’d been sent up to take charge of the store for three months to give her Aunt and Uncle a much needed break and let them do some extensive travelling and visiting with long neglected relatives. That had happened six weeks earlier.
The other woman, it turned out, was a second cousin of hers who was still a junior in the same college.
Jim – as was his wont with all attractive women and also because it was good for sales – turned on the charm and soon they were all chatting happily and, because no customers came in, it went on, uninterrupted, for a pleasant half hour.
When he got around to asking if they wanted him to repeat their regular three monthly order Tammy Ann told him, “Yes, that’s a good idea but will you please come into our stock room to see if there’s anything else that we might be running short of.”
That was a far from normal request but Jim put it down to her lack of experience on the job so he agreed and when they were alone in there she waved off his question as to which particular items she was referring to and she asked him if he would be kind enough to help her with a personal problem.
It turned out that she hated having to be in the city and separated from her friends and, especially, from her boyfriend and she was worried that her Aunt and Uncle might well decide that they liked their new found freedom and would want more of it and so her job there could well be made permanent and, knowing that her parents would strongly approve of that, she couldn’t bear the thought of being able to go home only on vacations.
She went on to say that she’d already told her parents that she was unhappy with their plans for her and that all that she wanted, “in this whole wide world,” was to be allowed to go back to Hinchington but they’d brushed aside her druthers and had said something about her being far too young to know her own mind yet.
Jim promised to try to think up a possible solution for her but he couldn’t come up with anything and he had to tell her just that when he arrived in their store one day later following up on the call that she’d made to his company asking them to send him back to her store to take an ‘urgent’ order.
Tammy Ann was very disappointed in him, “You being a big city man, an’ all” she said.
She looked really dejected and near to tears as she said that she’d just have to go to plan B which was something that she’d come up with on her own and she’d be, “Really, really grateful,” if he’d agree to help her with it.
By way of easing up on the inevitable shock that would come when she revealed her drastic solution she took time to tell him that she feared for her mental health if she had to stay, “in this cold, hard, gray city for much longer,” and then, after shedding some tears at the very thought of it, she came right out and hit him with it: “I’m so unhappy that I’m ready to go to the extreme of getting pregnant if that’s the only way out for me and it sure does look that way right now. I know for sure that that way, when my Aunt finds out, she’ll ship me out real quick.”
She mumbled something about ‘losing the baby later’ when her life had reverted to the blissful state that it had been in before she’d “been exiled” and then she said, “Jim, I’m asking you in all sincerity, can you see your way to doing your part? Is it too much to ask?”
Like the caring gentlemen that he was, he agreed.
Her young body was truly beautiful and she proved out to be an accomplished lover and so Jim enjoyed himself for close to two hours with it – uh, that is, her – and after telling him that she believed that he might well have carried out his onerous task successfully she slipped away to get a restoring drink of bourbon for both of them. Soon after that she asked him to get dressed and as she was kissing him goodbye she thanked him, yet again, and then she asked him to please come back again the next afternoon at two thirty, “So’s we can be right sure that it’s taken.”
When he showed up, not a minute late, she took him straight upstairs and into her bed but he’d only just gotten started with getting reacquainted with her wonderful body when the bedroom door burst open and Mr. and Mrs. Enders came charging in.
Later, on that very same day, Tammy Ann was put on the, literally, the midnight train to Georgia.
And Jim started looking for another job.
Even though it hadn’t been his idea in the first place Jim felt a good deal of guilt about the part that he’d played in the affair although he needn’t have because there was no way that he could have known that Tammy Ann could carry out her elaborate and nefarious scheme so expertly.
The truth was that she was in the pill business and she’d been taking ‘The Pill’ for several years by then and she’d had no intention whatsoever of messing up her life by getting pregnant with anyone – even though she thought that Jim was a very pleasant, and accomplished, companion to greet between the sheets and she wouldn’t have minded making love with him anytime except for the fact that her boyfriend was even better.
Craftily, she had coerced her second cousin into calling the Enders to tell them that something fishy was going on between Tammy Ann and someone who she’d just met and that they should come home the next day and then go straight upstairs and into her bedroom at two forty five, give or take, in the afternoon.
The Enders were of the old school and so they couldn’t bear to have a proven hussy in their home for a moment longer than necessary and so, after they’d gone through the books with her because they no longer trusted her, they made her pack her things and then they called a cab to take her to the Railroad station.
On the train south she hardly slept during the night because she was so delighted with her own cleverness and with how well her plan had worked. She knew that her parents had long known about her proclivities and wouldn’t be really angry with her and so, after enduring their scorn and multiple, “We are so disappointed in you” laments, she’d only have to keep a low profile for a few days and then she’d find herself once again wrapped in the arms of her Ploughboy-O.
Jim found another job without much difficulty because most salesman like him are paid by results and so each company can’t go very wrong by hiring them and while the practice of ‘poaching’ was officially discouraged it would be a strange route-manager indeed who wouldn’t welcome new accounts no matter where they came from.
So, for the rest of his life Jim will cherish the memory of one very pleasant afternoon indeed and one very unpleasant afternoon indeed but he will also have to find a way to live with knowing that he’d taken advantage of a girl by not telling her that he’d had a vasectomy.
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