Page 16 Break In

                                                    BREAK IN/BREAK OUT.

                                                           Roy Garde


It takes place in the bungalow of a widow, Eileen Edwards, that is in a row of 1948 custom-built bungalows in a railway-hugging, commuter town in North East New Jersey.  All of the other homeowners in the row have added an extension and one of them has added a second floor.

All of their front yards have been half-asphalted to let them park a car there.

In the interior of the bungalow the front door opens directly into the living/dining room and on the far side there’s a passageway that has two bedrooms on one side and a kitchen and a bathroom on the other side. The kitchen has a serving hatch to the dining room but Eileen’s hasn’t been opened for many years.

The action takes place in spring on one of the last chilly days of the year.

It is around ten thirty on a weekday morning.

We hear the front door key being turned and we see the door being pushed open and then Eileen comes in:

“What’s this! Who are you? What are you doing in my house?”

“Jesus! Shut your mouth woman and close the door properly. If you shout or scream I’ll have to hurt you —— There. Now sit down over there and don’t move again. – – – Why did you come back so soon? You only left about ten fucking minutes ago.”

 “I – uh – I changed my mind about something – – – but I don’t understand. Why are you in my house? How did you get in? Why is all my stuff piled up there?”

            “It’s called a ‘burglary’ you stupid bitch. Well now, seeing that you’re here you can help me out – where do you keep your money and where’s your good jewelry and silver?”

             “Oh dear, oh dear. I don’t like this at all – – Well, let’s see. I keep my money in my purse and here it is. There’s about forty odd dollars in it.”

              “Jesus, that’s all that you’ve got? Well, where’s your good jewelry?”

  “I’ll show you but you’ll be disappointed. It’s just paste. What they call costume jewelry. Come with me to the bedro – – Uh, no – – – Wait here and I’ll bring it to you.”

“Forget it. Leave it. I’ve already looked in the lacquered box that’s in there and it’s all crap. What else d’you have that’s worth anything?”

“Only what you’ve piled up on the carpet over there. You know, this doesn’t make much sense. Why don’t you break into rich peoples’ homes?”

“Because ordinary houses are easier, that’s why. Now, no more questions. Let me think. What the fuck am I going to do now? You shouldn’t have come back so soon. I’ve never been caught like this before.”

“Oh! Pardon me for inconveniencing you, I’m sure. Listen I need some coffee – – – well, what I really need is vodka but there isn’t any left. Can I go and make some coffee?”

“Yes but don’t try anything stupid.”

“Ha! How could I? The only phone is in this room and I can see that you’ve ripped its wiring out of the wall. Oh, dear me. This is just not right. – – – – Well, what can I do? – – – – – Well, now. Coffee. How do you take yours?”

“Jesus. Are you offering me coffee? Oh, man! Like you just said, this ain’t fucking right. Why the fuck did you come back so soon?”

“The question was, how do you like your coffee? And I’ll thank you not to use such language in my house.”

“Pardon m . . . Now wait a fucking minute here! What do mean by telling me not to cuss? This is a fucking robbery not a fucking bible reading session. I only know one way to talk and this is it so get used to it, you bossy bitch.”

“More’s the pity.”

“Jee-sus. You’re not a bit scared of me are you? Why is that? I’m really bad, you know.”

“I’m too old to be scared by any man and I was a middle-school teacher for ten years and I’ve been a middle and high-school substitute teacher ever since so, believe me, I can’t be intimidated. However, I am scared of getting hurt because it’s difficult for me to heal nowadays. Takes forever.”


“Why? Why? Because I’m getting old that’s why. You’ll find out for yourself if you manage to stay alive long enough, which, given your profession, is doubtful.”

“Ooooh! That’s cruel lady. But hey, tell me something about what you just said. How did you go from being a full time teacher to a substitute? That’s unusual isn’t it? Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?”

“Yes it is, but I had to do it that way because my Ernie, that’s my late husband, insisted on my being home for him when he came back from his trips and so I had to change jobs to be able to do that and then stay here with him until he had to leave again. You know, if it hadn’t been for that I’d have a nice pension to live on now instead of having to scrape by.”

“Yeah, yeah, well we all got our troubles and our ‘would’ve, could’ve, should’ve,’s’ right?  – –  Hey! Didn’t you say that you were going to make some fucking coffee? ”

“I’m still waiting to find out how you like it.”

“Black. Just like it comes out of the pot.”

“Ha! That’s how my husband used to drink it and he always said what you did too. ‘Straight out of the pot.’”

 “It’s brewing. It’ll take a few minutes. Do you want to drink it here or sitting at the kitchen table?”

“Jesus H. Christ! Listen. I want you to get something straight in your head. I’m a burglar for cri’sake not a visitor. Now tell me, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE WORTH STEALING IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE?”

“Not a thing. Uh, are you really going to take both TV’s? That small one is black and white and it’s about twenty years old.”

“Oh, shit! Well, OK, I’ll leave it but will you please stop bitchin’ at me? I’m working here. Uh, how old is the other one?”

“About eight years, I guess. It’s got a problem with the ‘hold’ ”

“Jesus! This was a big mistake. How about that there VCR?”

“I’ve got no idea. It hasn’t been used since my husband died and it was already old then.”

“Jesus! And that laptop?”

“Same. It’s just been sitting there. He used it to send in his mileage and his expenses and to get e-mail from his head-office that told him where he had to go next. I remember that he had to thump it in a certain way to get it to come back on.

“Also, that toaster oven is no good to you because you have to switch all three elements on to see what’s happening inside and so a piece of bread can change to a lump of smoking carbon in not much more than a minute.”

“Jesus H. Christ! Well, there must be something worth stealing. There’s always something.”

“I’m afraid not, that is if you don’t take into consideration the ‘fridge and the air conditioner and the furnace.”

“God in heaven, woman! I’m talking portable! Now listen, everybody has to have something of value and please don’t give me any of that ‘personal value’ shit. You hear me? Anything that’s saleable. So think. Where’s it hidden?”

“Well, let me see – it wouldn’t do for me to let you down entirely, right? – ahhh – oh yes. There’s the gold wrist watch and the pocket watch that he left.”

“Now you’re talking. Let me see them.”

“I’ll get them. I don’t know if either of them still work but you can see for yourself.”

– – – – – – –

“Here you go. How’s that?”

– – – – – – –

“Piss poor that’s ‘how’s that.’ You can see that the gold’s worn off in places around the rims of both of them. Look. See? It’s just gold fucking plating.”

“Oh, dear. Yes, I see. That means that they’re not worth much right?”

“You got that right. Here, take them back. Well, have you got anything else? Hey, wait a minute. That’s perfume that I’m smelling, isn’t it? You must have just put it on. What the fuck is that all about? Are you crazy? Why did you put perfume on? This is not a fucking visit by the fucking vicar!”

“I put it on for me not for you. I was feeling a bit – uh – grungy. Well. I’ll go and get the coffee.”

“Oh! You’ve come here. I was just about to bring it out to you. Here, take your cup.”

“I changed my mind. I don’t want any fucking coffee so put it down there. Yours too – – –  Good. Now come with me to the bedroom.”

“ ‘The bedroom?’ Why?”

“Why? Why? I’ll tell you why. It’s because that fucking perfume of yours has made me horny that’s why. I decided not to take any of your junk and I was just about to leave, thinking that forty three dollars won’t hardly do shit but that it’ll have to do, and then I smelled that perfume again – in the air, you know? – and I said to myself, ‘Wait a minute here. You might as well get some-fucking-thing out of this so how about getting laid?’ So that’s what we’re going to do and I mean right now. Let’s move.”

“Wha – ! But, but you can’t do that – I’m old. No, no, please. Uh – uh – what would your mother say? She’s probably about my age, right? She wouldn’t want you to do that, now would she?”

“The least said about my fucking mother the better. If I told you some of the things that the old bitch did to me up until I got to be big enough to hit her back it’d curl your hair. Now, let’s go – – – Goddam it woman, move your ass.”

“Oh, dear Lord. You really mean to do it? You are a horrible man, just horrible. Do you know that? How did you get that way? Why are you so perverse?”

“Why? Again with the why’s. Well I’ll tell you why as we walk so let’s get moving.

“A bit faster than that, please – – – that’s better. Well now – – – it turns out that it’s not my fault at all. There was a shrink in prison one time who told me that I suffer from A.D.S. – That’s the Arrested Development Syndrome – and from A.D.D. – that’s Attention Defic – – oh, but being a teacher you know all about that, right? – well, it seems from what he told me, that I still act like fourteen year olds do – – – Sit there on the bed until I’ve told it all now that I’ve started and seeing that you’re so fucking interested – – – He said that kids, and me, act on impulse and on whims and do things like overturning gravestones and breaking the arms off statues and setting fires just to see things burn. Uh, – – M.V.I.V. – ‘Mindless Violence and Impulsive Vandalism’ was another label that I remember him using. Well, I didn’t tell him anything about myself because if you open up to those clowns they never leave you alone but I’m going to tell you why he was completely and totally wrong. The truth of it is that I’d never do anything like that because how would it profit me? Hey? D’you see?”

“Well. Yes I guess I – ”

“Right. Of course, I’m right. It would be just stupid. Now then, enough talking. Let’s get to it but listen to what I’m going to say first ‘cos this is how I want to do it. You’re going to switch that little light on that’s there on the side table and then I’ll drop the blinds and draw the curtains and then, when I tell you, switch the light off again and get undressed and then lie down on the bed. Right? Got it?”

“Can I turn the heat up first? I’ll be cold if I take my clothes off.”

“No. Forget that. I sweat a lot when I fuck so don’t worry, I’ll keep you warm. Now shut up and switch that fucking light on.”

– – – – – – – – – –

“OK, then. That’s that. You can switch it off now and then take your clothes off.”

“You’ve done this before haven’t you?”

“Done what?”

“This. Rape.”

“Rape? Rape? This isn’t rape. You can’t rape a woman who’s hair is more white than gray, for cri’sake. Rape is when some young punk hurts a girl to frighten her into giving it up without screaming or struggling and then afterwards she has to tell the police and the nurses and the doctors all the details and let them take samples and the rest of it and she has to worry if the guy’s got a disease and whether she’s pregnant or not and she has to tell her family and friends and relatives and she never gets over it for the rest of her life. That’s what fucking rape is and I’d never do that.”

“Well then, what would you call what you want to do to me?”

“Not rape, that’s for sure. Not ‘rape.’ Never. Well, let’s see. Uhhh – – yeah. ‘Use.’ I’m going to use your cunt. That what it’s there for, right? And at your age that’s all that it’s good for except for pissing out of, am I right?

“And d’you want to know something else? When it’s over and I drive away you won’t call the police. No. You’ll just go and wash yourself and maybe do that douching thing and then you’ll get dressed and you’ll put all those things that I piled up out there back in place and then you’ll get lunch started. Tomorrow at this time you’ll say to yourself, ‘It was at this time yesterday that my money was stolen and I got used.’ And then, a month from now, you’ll say to yourself, ‘It was a month ago today that my money was stolen.’ And that’ll be the end of it. Now switch that fucking light out and get undressed. You hear me?”


“Wait a fucking minute. I can’t get this fucking shoe lace undone.”

“Well, I just want to say that I – uh -well, I pushed a finger into myself and I’m dry and kind of closed up in there. I haven’t – uh – done it for years. Can I go and get some Vaseline from the bathroom? You won’t hurt me as much if I put some in and it’ll better for you too, won’t it?”

“Can you get it without putting a light on?”

“Ooo! That’s a cruel thing to say. You really have done this before with older women, haven’t you? And what a question to ask me! Can I make my way to my own bathroom in the dark? I’ve only done it once or twice a night for better than thirty years that’s all.”

“Well, all right then. Do it.”

“Thank you.”

“No! No! Put that light off right now, you stupid cow. You’ll put me off all togeth- Oh! Wow! Will you look at that? Who’d have thought it? – – – You’ve got a real nice ass so that’s all right then, but close the door behind you and remember to put the light off before you come back out ‘cos shrunken tits and a wrinkled, hanging belly and ugly thighs are sure-fire passion killers.”

“I’m back.”



“Well get on the bed – yeah, now move over a bit towards the center – – – – There.”

– – – – –

“Well? Are you going to open your legs or what?”

“Oh yes! Yes I am. Sorry. I’m too frightened to think. There.”


 – – – – –

“Well? Go ahead for fuck’s sake. I’m waiting.”

“Waiting? Waiting for what. What do you want me to do?”

“Jesus Christ, woman, it won’t find its own way in, now will it? It doesn’t come equipped with a fucking direction finder, now does it? GUIDE IT IN, for cri’sakes!”

“Oh, dear. Sorry. But you know, my husband’s always found its way in with no trouble —- Oooh! —- There.”

“Aaaaaargh. Jesus but that feels good. Tight as a sewer rat’s ass. – – – – Oh, yeah! – – – Wow! – – – That’s so good – – – Ha! It proves again what they say that an old one closing is as good as a young one opening – – – – – – Uh, listen up, I can’t seem to get all the way in so put your ankles up on my back. There. That’s better – – – – Arrrgh! Wow! That feels really good – – – – – Arrrgh – –  OK, you can put them down again now – – – Arrrgh – – – Wow! Every move you make squeezes it and makes me harder – Wow! This is special. Listen I’m going to stay still for a while so as to get it to last longer.”

– – – – – – – –

“There. So nice and tight – – – Wow – – – You know, the urgency is nearly gone for some reason so let’s see what we’ve got here while I’ve got the chance although I hope that – – – – Oooh! Nice tits, lady. Small but firm and good to hold – – – – Y’know, something just came to me. Seeing that you’re not a whore, I can do anything I want so I’m going to pull out for a minute to check you out properly – – – – Ahhhh – – – – – There, hold it for me will you? Good. Now let’s see. – – – Well well, your belly is firm too, who’d have thunk it? ————– Mmmmmmmmm. Well now, let’s see what else. Do you like having your nipples nibbled on? ———– Let’s see – – Ha! Yes you do, I can tell. What about this? ——————– How about this? ————–Ha! That’s it, right? —————-Well now, next thing – – let’s see. Oh, but wait. It’s all right for me to kiss you on the mouth too. Right? ————- There. Nice. More? ————– Mmmmm. I like doing that —————— Mmmmmmmm ———————————Oh, that’s what you like is it? Well how about this? ——– No? Not so much? Well, how about this?——————— Yes? More? Good ——————————- Jesus Christ! I could keep doing this all day long. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ————– Uh, wait a minute, you’ve got a nice ass too, right?  I saw it, didn’t I? Well then, turn over for me, will you? I want to check it out. There – – – – Mmmmmmm. Firm and smooth. Listen, keep still a minute ‘cos I want to rub my dick on it – – – – There. Wow, that’s good too.”

“This is called ‘frottage.’ ”

“Huh! What did you say?”

“What you’re doing now is called, ‘frottage.’ ”

“Get the fuck out of here. ‘Frottage?’ There can’t be a name just for this alone. Can there? – – – Well, anyway – – – – – – ahhh – – – – – – – – ahhhh – – – – – – ahhhhhhh – – – – – – All right then. Fucking A O’lay. – – – – Now turn over again ‘cos I just remembered another thing. Seeing that you’re not a ho, like I just said, I can go down on you too. Right? ‘Course I can. OK then, let’s do that. Wait till I give you some room – – – there. So, move to the side of the bed and put your feet on the carpet and lie back and – – – – – – I’ll get on my knees – – – there, now you – Oh! You know what to do already, well all right then. There, good. Now, I’m gonna eat you all up – – – – – – – Arrrh. There – – – – – Mmmmmmmmmmm ————– Wow! Fucking de-fucking-licious – – – – – – Mmmmmmm – – – – Well, let’s see if you like this —————————- How about this? ——————— Mmmmmmmmmmm ————And this? ——————— Yeah ——————————— Mmmmmmmmmmmmm ——————————————————————————————————————————

“Wow. Let me get some air.”

– – – – – – – – –

“Mmmm. I really enjoyed that but enough’s enough, right? OK?  – – – Well, I want to do it now so get back up to the center of the bed and open up for me.”

 – – – – – – – – – .

“There, now guide it in again ——-Wow! —-Arrrgh.—————–Arrrgh. ——————-Arrrgh. ——————–Arrrgh —————- Arrrgh ————— Whooa. This is way too special so I’m going to stop again. There. No way I’m gonna hurry this. Shit, I can’t hardly believe it, you know? Most women, especially old ones, are only good for getting off in but you’re really something else. Your husband was a lucky man to have you and you can fucking- well believe me on that. I’ll bet that he didn’t cheat on you much.”

“He wouldn’t ever.”

“Ha! Give any man a chance at new pussy and he’s off after it like a rat up a fucking drainpipe.”

“Not my Ernie. Neither of us have ever been with anybody else – uh, that is until right now.”

“Is that right? Well, if it’s true you’re special in more ways than one then.”

“What are the other ones again?”

“Jesus! Like I just got through telling you, that’s what. What I’m rove up right now. This – – – Arrrgh. It’s really special. I’ve never been in one this good before. Wow! Not nearly as good.  Not even close – – – Oh, wow! What’s that you’re doing? It’s kind of nibbling at me. Oh! Man. Don’t stop doing that, you hear me? —————– Oh! Wow ——————Oh, wow ————— But no! Enough! Stop right now!”

“But you just told me ‘don’t stop.’ ”

“Yes, but I’ve changed my mind. No more. – – – Whew. You nearly made me come. How do you do that?”

“It’s one of the things that I learned to do for my Ernie. We didn’t go out much and we don’t have kids so that meant that we could spend all the time that we wanted in bed experimenting and we both got to be good at it. You see, he was a long distance truck driver so we had a kind of honeymoon every two or three weeks and in between his homecomings we both tried to dream up new things to try in bed. Doing that kept things fresh between us and it brought added excitement too because we’d both wonder what new thing the other one had come up with in the mean time, you know? Ha! We had to put strict limitations on ourselves on his first day home – he bought a little electronic watch that could chime and he set it on repeat so that we could pace ourselves – else he’d be drained for days afterwards.”

“I can easily believe that seeing that it’s you we’re talking about! Jesus. So, that’s how you got to know about this frutting thing. Uh no, what was it again?”


“Yeah, that’s it. Are you going to show me any other tricks?”

“Well, you’re heavy so get off me and let me get on top and I’ll show you one or two more.”

– – – – – –

“There, now it’s your turn to do the guiding – – – there – now hold still until I’ve – – – There. Are you ready? Well, there’s this – – ”

 – – – – – –

“Wow! Fucking ding dong. That’s great. – – – Oh, yes Ma’am – – – Yes! – – – But please stop. No, no more right now. There. Wow, it brought me right to the brink. Stay still for a minute. Wow!

– – – – –

“Well, what else?”

“Lets see. Oh yes, there’s this.”

– – – – –

“Jumping Jesus – – – – That’s really good! You’re a fucking genius lady. You know it?”

“Then there’s this.”

 – – – – –

“Woowow! OK already. Enough. No more please. – – – Stop! Arrrrgh, yes, and only just in time ‘cos I was real close. —————- Fucking-all-fucking-right! Can you do that nibbling thing again while you’re up there? – – – – Ah! Yes, my God, yes! Even better! ———- Stop! Stop again please. Wow, lady, you really are something. Whoooo! But listen to me, I wanna finish it now else my balls will bust and I want to make it happen myself so get off and lie down and just lie still. OK?

– – – – – –

“Ahhh, yes. – – Well, let’s go – – Arrrgh! – – Arrgh – – Oh, but wait a minute – – – y’know what? I was just thinking – after all that good stuff the least I can do is to try to make it good for you too. Do you want me to go slow or fast or what?”

“Slowly, please, and keep to a rhythm if you can.”

– – – – – –

“Oooo! There, just like that – – – Ahhh – – – – Ahhh, yes, like that – – – Ahhh, yes!”

“Christ, lady, this is the – “

“Oh, wait, there’s something else that I want you to do. Will you please stop talking until we’re done?”

– – – – – – –


“Yes. That’s good. Keep going just like that. Oooh.”

“ARRGH.” “Oooh.”

“ARRGH.” “Oooh.”






– – – – – – – –

“Jesus. If that wasn’t the best fuck ever then I don’t know up from down.”

“It was good, yes, and I’m surprised that I could like it at all under the circumstances but I’ve got to admit that I did. Uh, you really are quite good at it but aren’t you being a bit egotistical?”

“How’s that again?”

“Well, how can you assume that it was the best loving that I’ve ever had?”

“Jesus. You’re some woman, you know it? I didn’t mean the best for you – how could I know that, for crisake? – I meant the best for me. But listen, from the way you got into it at the end – all that heaving up and reaching for more and kind of milking me an’ all – I’m pretty fucking sure that it was more than just good for you too, right? Come on, admit it. Am I right? You fucking loved it, is what.”

“Well, yes. As I just said, it was good – in fact it was very good when you got the correct rhythm going.”

“Too fucking right, it was.”

“Yes, I have to admit to that but it’s understandable really, isn’t it, seeing that for a long time now I’ve thought that having sex, no matter about enjoying it again, was all behind me forever. When you told me to get undressed I felt that the best that I could hope for was to not get badly hurt but then I remembered what that policeman said about imminent – uh – forced penetration. He said, ‘If you’re certain that it’s going to happen lie back and enjoy it.’ ”

“What? A cop said that? I didn’t think any of them had that much sense.”

“Well, he got into a lot of trouble for saying it but it’s good advice for we older women who aren’t likely to be traumatized by – uh – having it done to us. Well, after remembering that and because you didn’t hurt me I got to – uh – respond and then I decided to do some of my tricks for you to be sure that you’d be – uh – happy and then leave.”

“Thank fuck you did! I’ve never felt the like. Not fucking ever.”

“I’m pleased to hear it.”

“But you know what? Your plan’s back-fired because I’m not going anywhere until I get me some more of that first class loving.

“Oh, dear.”

– – – – –

“Listen – uh—well I can’t keep calling you ‘Mister’ – what’s your name?”

“I can’t tell – well, yes I can, I guess, seeing that I don’t even live in this state. It’s Gerry.”

“Ah. Well listen – Oh, I’m Eileen, by the way – listen Gerry, this is all very nice but I’m beginning to have trouble breathing. Can you get off me please?”

“Oh, sorry. I was enjoying it and I didn’t think. —– There. Now, Eileen, be a darling and turn around that way so that I can ———- do this – – and this. Hah, there.

“Doing this means that you’ll know as soon as I do when we can do it again and, also, lying like this means that I can reach —— here, with this hand —— and do this —-with the other. There, perfect. I am now one contented fucking man.

“Oh shit! I forgot to ask. Eileen, it’s all right with you, is it? You’re going to let me do it again, right?”

“Well at least you’re asking permission now. Yes, it’s all right by me, I guess.”

– – – – –

“Ha! You know what just came to me, Gerry? It just popped into my head. Well, by my telling you that you can do it again gives the lie, for maybe the first time ever, to the old saying ‘once bitten, twice shy.’ Ha! Right? But listen Gerry, how long does it usually take for you to get ready again? I ask because I want to know if I’ll have enough time to make us some fresh coffee. What do you think?”

“I guess that there’ll be time for that but not much more. Ha! The ladies don’t call me Gerry the Goat for nothing. But sure, go ahead. I’d like some coffee. Oh. Eileen?”

“What is it?”

“You can put the light on and you should put your robe on to keep warm in the kitchen but open it up again when you get back here, please.”

“Oh! What a nice thing to say. All right, I will. – – – – Ah listen, Gerry. While I’m up, shall I make us a nice cheese and onion omelet to share for lunch? Or would you prefer a western omelet or a ham omelet? No trouble, I’ve got the basic mix made already.”

“Cheese and onion is my favorite, that is if it ain’t too much fucking trouble for you, and can you cook it until the edges are crispy, please? Oh, and some white toast, if you’ve got it.”

“Ha! Exactly what my Ernie used to ask for: ‘Cheese and onion that’s crisp around the edges and white toast.’ You’ve got it. Won’t be long.”

“Uh, Gerry, wake up. The food will be ready in a few minutes so sit up. Here’s the coffee – take both cups please while I wheel the table up.”

 – – – –

“Do you see how useful this is? My Ernie saw a picture of one in a magazine and he made it. Clever, right? He used the footboard of this bed for some of it seeing that we didn’t like having it in place because it restricted some of our – uh – ‘battle maneuvers’ as he used to say. Aaaah, you know what? When we tried this table the first time he said, ‘There, perfect. All the comforts of home but nothing’s too good for you, ‘lil darling.’ Ahh. Poor man, he shouldn’t have died so young. He was only fifty-seven, which is what I’ll be in two more months.”

– – – – – – –

“Well. I’ll get the place mats and the cutlery. Be back in a minute.”

 “Here we go. Lift up the cups, please. There.

“The omelet is nearly ready and I’ve put the heat on low because I want to say something to you before I bring it. Are you listening to me?”

“Uh huh.”

“Good. Well, first – thank you. I haven’t felt this content with my life in years. That’s in both body and mind.”

“Good to hear it but didn’t you fucking promise me that you’d open up your robe when you got back? I like seeing nice titties swinging and swaying and bouncing around.”

“Oh yes, sorry – – There. But, wait. I tell you what, you like all of my body don’t you so I’ll take it off all together for you because I’m not cold at all now. But listen, you can only look,  you hear me? No touching until after we’ve eaten. – – – – There. Now you can look all you want.

“Uh, by the way, Gerry dear, you really should work on your conversational skills. It’s animals that have tits or teats, we women have breasts, which is a nice word. Also – you should know that telling a woman that you want to kiss her because she’s not a whore is not much of a complement.

“And, uh – seeing that this seems to be the time for setting things straight – y’know, when you got mad at me for not opening up my legs for you I said that I was too frightened to think properly but the truth is that I was too busy with analyzing the strange feeling that was forming in my brain. I found that I was actually relishing knowing that I was about to be penetrated by a penis again and with knowing that a big, sweaty, hairy, randy man was hovering over me and was getting impatient to get started. And then, when I thought back on it in the kitchen just now, I came to realize that my reaction was mainly due to feeling good about being a valid player in the main stream of life again.”

 – – – – – – – – – – –

“Well, y’know something else? What also came to me out there in the kitchen was that you lied too when you asked me to guide your penis in. Our bodies are designed so that it can find its own way in, as you well know, and so what you really wanted was for me to touch it and then take hold of it and then offer it up to my entrance and that way I’d became a willing participant and you could then go ahead with it as if I’d invited you to my bed in the first place. True?”

“Uh, maybe. I don’t remember now why I do it but it’s true that I always insist on that and so I guess that you might be right – ”

“Ha! I know that I’m right. It’s the kind of thing that men do.”

“Yeah, but I was going to say – you’re right about the ‘getting-her-involved’ bit but I think it’s mostly because I can’t ever get my mind around the fact that any woman in her right mind actually wants to get fucked, ever, so having her guide my dick in helps me to get over that for long enough to get on with it.”

“Well, that’s quite perspicacious of you and it’s often true – we sometimes just put up with it and, uh, put out, you might say, because we have to, pretty much – but you’re forgetting the fact that we’re programmed by Nature to want to do it with the right man when the time is right. And, to finish the thought – what else can we do? It’s not as if there’s an alternative. We can hardly insist on taking turns as to who uses the penis, right?”

– – – – – – –

“No answer? Well, it must be difficult for men to understand but we learn early on to get ourselves into the right frame of mind to let it get started and then we kind of blank out and then, when it’s in all the way, we try to forget that we’re the ones who are being penetrated and pounded by telling ourselves that we’re sharing it. D’you see?”

– – – – – – –

“Well now, enough of that. Where was I? Oh yes, I was telling you how grateful I am to you for bringing sex back into my life.”

“Wait a minute here. So, you you’re telling me that most of the time women open up their legs for a guy as if it was on the same level as shaking hands with him?”

“No, no, no, of course not. Not that casually, ever, but when you’ve been married to one man for decades you know his habits and it’s easier to just go along with and let him – uh – ‘have some’ as you men say. Besides that, I guess that all women, even us near-to-being-senior-citizens ones, have empathy for men wired in and, although we try to hide it, I’m sure that we’re programmed to feel relief and contentment after we let ourselves be persuaded to lie down to let any man find pleasure by ‘letting him have some’ or, as you put it, letting him use our, uh, using what we have. You were right, in general, about the crude part too – about ‘what else is it good for?’ – although you’re wrong about the physiology part because, unlike you men, our urine doesn’t ever share our urethra with anything else on its way out of the body, but I know what you meant.

“So, what else is it good for? Precious little indeed. And that’s especially true in my case because mine has never had a baby push its way through it – I’ve never even had a miscarriage – so its quite true, as you said, that its only purpose now is to give men pleasure and, hopefully, receive some of it too. Y’know – carpe diem, and all that – I’m going to try to keep that in mind from now on.”

– – – – – –

“Oh, dear! I seem to have put you in shock, Gerry. I’ve given you a bit of an ear bashing haven’t I? It’s due to my loneliness, I guess, and because I couldn’t have said any of that to my women friends and I don’t have any male friends. Sorry. On top of that, I’ve always been a talker. Probably that’s why I chose to be a teacher.

“Ha! My Ernie used to joke that the main reason that he wanted to do a lot of sixty-nine with me was: “The hole in your body that’s at my end can’t talk and the one at the other end is too busy to talk.”

– – – – – – –

“Well, this coffee is good.”

“Yes. It’s my one indulgence – good coffee. Well, also a glass of vodka now and again.”

– – – – – – –

“Uh, there’s no hurry, Eileen, but – didn’t you say the food was ready?”

“Oh, the food! Yes it’s ready and it’s being kept warm but one last thing if I may. My Ernie was sick for nearly two years before he died and over that time he wanted me less and less physically and he had to take double the maximum dose of Viagra to be able to do it once a week towards the end, and even then it was always over as quickly as he could possibly get it done because he didn’t want to chance losing his erection. Well, I gradually learned to pretend that I didn’t miss having regular good loving but when you were doing it to me earlier on I knew that that was a lie. And so, seeing that it’s obvious that you like my body and you really like my techniques, from now on I’m going to dress better to show the men around here what I’ve got and I’ll get my hair done and I’ll experiment with make up and I’ll let them know that I’m available and once they find out what I can give them they’ll want to come and see me regularly. There’ll be no nonsense about ‘falling in love’ or ‘soul mates’ or ‘cherishing each other,’ or that kind of thing, it’ll be just straight forward – ‘Ah, there you are Bill, or Joe or Harry or John, or whoever, you’re right on time I see. Come on in and you are very welcome in my home. Why don’t you go on in to the bedroom and warm up the bed for me while I go and freshen up for you and I’ll join you in a few minutes.’ Or, if it’s an older guy it’ll be – ‘Hello – whoever – and welcome. When did you take your Viagra? Ah, twenty minutes ago. Good, well now, why don’t you go into the bedroom and warm up the bed and I’ll freshen up and then join you in a minute or two and we’ll have about a half hour for some nice love play while we’re waiting for it to kick in and give you a lovely big, one-eyed monster to share with me.’ ”

– – – – – – – –

“Ha! You know what, Gerry? Maybe – if you want to come and see me again some time in the future – you’d better call first and let me set up a date and time for you because I might be too busy with my other admirers. Ha! No. I’m just kidding. Anyway, let me say that I’ll always be grateful to you for what you’ve done to open up my eyes and I’ll – ”

“Eileen. Hold on a minute will you? Can I get a word in here? Good. Listen to me for a minute, please. My last girl friend was twenty years younger than I am and although you’re twenty years older – Uh, hello! That kind of balances out in a weird way, doesn’t it? – well, what I’m saying is that she couldn’t hold a candle to you in bed. So, there’s no way that I’m going to give you up and because of that – although I know that you were joking about it – I don’t think your plan will work because none of those other guys who’ll be calling on you will appreciate having me around which is something that I’ll be doing a lot of from now on – – – Hey! What happened? A look of disgust came on your face and why did you close your robe again?”

“God in heaven, Gerry! You mean it don’t you? Well listen really well to me please. When you leave here in a couple of hours or so you can never come back again, you hear me?”

“What the fuck are you saying? Of course I’m coming back. Sweet Jesus, you just got through telling me how much you like having me in your bed.”

“Yes, but some of my saying that is what my Ernie would have called, ‘Watching my back.’ I did what I thought I had to do to get you to leave quietly when the time came but you didn’t go so next time I’ll do an even better job and then you’ll have to leave because you’ll be drained.

“Oh, but wait. That’s not quite fair to you, is it? I’ve already admitted that I liked it, which I didn’t expect to happen at all, and for that same reason I’m going to let you do it to me again after we’ve eaten and it will be because I want to do it as much as you and do not because of that other thing. But, even so, that will be the last time ever. I don’t want to ever see you again. All right?”

“No. It’s fucking far from being all right. Tell me why you’re saying this ‘cos it don’t make any fucking sense to me.”

“My word! It’s surely not very difficult to understand is it? You’re a criminal. You’re a burglar and a thief and you rape old women no matter what euphemism you want give it. You’ll be caught one day and then it’ll be jail for you again and, as a repeat offender, the sentence will be for years and years. Hoo, boy! What a splendid prospect you are for a woman. Next you’ll be saying that you’d like me to save myself for you until you come out again!”

“Jesus H. Christ! Again! It’s happening to me again. Can I never catch a fucking break? – – – – Listen Eileen, what you said is not fair. I can change. I can find a regular job. I held one down once for close to six years. But, listen – much more important than that – I’m not and never have been a rapist. Please, you’ve got to believe me on that one.”

“All right. Maybe not girls but how can you ask me to believe that you don’t do it to older women when I remember plain as day you saying, ‘Put the light out before you get undressed’ and ‘Switch off the bathroom light before you open the door because – ’ uh, what was it? – – – Oh, yes. ‘Seeing shrunken tits and ugly thighs is a passion-killer.’

“Of course you’ve done it before to older women and often, too.”

“No, no, you’ve got it all wrong. Let me tell you the truth of it – please?”

“I’m listening.”

“Good. Well, I’ve been doing what they call breaking and entering for a good few years now but I rarely make good money from it and that’s because I have to stick to working family areas because I can’t deal with hi-tech alarms and those gated-communities and, well, like that. Sure, sometimes I get lucky but because I’m careful – too careful some would say in that I always take time to case a house before I break into it – hell, sometimes, just to be sure that there’ll be nobody home, I’ll watch it for a couple of days to get the feel and the comings and goings of the people who live there, so it might take me three days to do the job and all too often I end up with not much more than what I got here. What was it? Oh yeah, forty-three fucking dollars for two days fucking work! Well, like I told you, I never met anyone inside one of the houses before today and I would have left with your forty three dollars except that that fucking perfume of yours somehow got to me.

“Wait now, let me go on telling it. The reason that I said that about switching the lights off was said, of course, before I knew how nice your body is and, as for how do I know about what’s a passion-killer for me with – uh – with older women, it’s because even when I’ve had a series of forty-three fucking dollar jobs I still get horny, and want to be with a woman like any other man, so I have to go to a town near mine where there’s a Catholic Home For Indigent Women and a dozen or so of them were, and still are, whores and for twenty-five bucks they’ll sneak me in and let me spend the night and one of them will let me fuck her then and again in the morning before I leave. The trouble is that every time I go there they decide which one will take care of me so I don’t get to pick and choose and that’s how I know – Ho boy! Do I ever? – about old women’s ugly bodies.”

“There, I’ve told you the truth of it. Do you believe me now? What I said about not being a rapist?”

“Oh, dear. How very, very sordid. You poor man. And, yes, I do believe you and, boy, do you ever need a wife of your own? How come you don’t know that?”

– – – – –

“Well, Gerry, I’m glad to know that you aren’t a monster and, also, it’s true that I shouldn’t have put that perfume on this morning when I first – uh – met you but I had to, for a reason that I can’t tell you but it was the same, uh, very personal reason that made me come back to the house this morning so quickly and because of it I caught you in my home. It wasn’t meant as an invitation, I do assure you, but I should have known better. Uh, do you often react that forcefully to perfume?”

 “Not that I can remember, no. It must be a very expensive one, right?”

“I guess so. I don’t even want to guess as to how much a little tiny bottle of it would cost. Uh, let me see, where did I put the magazine that I got it out of – ah yes – I remember, there it is on the sideboard. Wait, I’ll go and get it”

 – – – –

“Here it is – it says – Oh dear! No wonder it made you react so strongly. It calls itself ‘Gardez La Distance.’ That means ‘Don’t come too close.’ Ha! Well, it does give fair warning, right?”

“Yep! You got that right, that’s for fucking sure. Ha! Uh, let me smell it again – – – Oh, yes. That’s it and it’s still working. Uh, say, Eileen, why don’t you take that robe off and come and lie down here.”

“No way! Let go right now. The food will be ruined else.”

“Aw, shit shoots! – – – – – Well, uh, before you go, tell me that you didn’t mean that about my not coming here again. Please say that it wasn’t true.”

“My God! Of course it’s true. You’re a criminal. Why on earth would a teacher, or any woman come to that, want to be friends with a man who breaks into houses and steals for a living?”

“But I can change! I want to change. Hell, like I told you, I held down a job for years at one time and I can do it again. I will do it again, you’ll see.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear it. – – – – Tell you what, Gerry. If you can keep a respectable job for a whole year you can come back and see me again when the year is over. Is that OK with you? It’s the best that I can do I’m afraid. OK?”

“Oh, man! I really do want to – uh, how about meeting me halfway on this? Let me come and see you – uh – once a week say for just a couple of hours each time? That could work.”

“I’m afraid not, Gerry. The whole time I’d be worrying about hearing police sirens closing in on us as they’re coming to get you. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of at this very minute although seeing that you broke in here this time that let’s me off the hook somewhat, d’you see? Anyway, I already feel like I’m your – uh, what were they called? – ‘molls’ was it? No. It’ll take a whole year of respectability on your part before I can even consider being your – uh – girlfriend. Sorry, but you have to take it on my terms or leave it.”

“Well, I’ll take it and I promise you that – ”

“Good. Do that for a year and then we’ll see. OK? – – – – Well, let me go and get the food and I’ll bring more coffee too. Won’t be a minute.”

– – – – – – – – –

“Here we go, can you move that magazine? There. One plate and two forks just like my Ernie and me used to do it.

“Go ahead, eat.”

– – – – –

“D’you like it? Yes, good, hey? It’s got garlic and slivers of ginger in it.

“Uh, Gerry. Another thing came to me when I was in the kitchen just now and this is a bit weird but it’s important so please listen: My Ernie wouldn’t have asked for, ‘Coffee straight out of the pot’ he’d have said, “F’ing coffee straight out of the motherf’ing pot.” And he wouldn’t have said, ‘Cheese and onion that’s crisp around the edges and with white toast.’ He’d have said, ‘F’ing cheese and onion that’s crisp around the f’ing edges and with white motherf’ing toast.’ And he didn’t say, when he’d finished making this table, ‘There, perfect. All the comforts of home but nothing’s too good for you ‘lil darling.’ What he said was, “There, f’ing perfect. All the comforts of home but nothing’s too f’ing good for my old f’ing lady.’

“So, I was thinking, as I was pouring more coffee for us, that both of the men that I’ve had good sex with do, or did, a whole lot of cursing. As I just told you, my Ernie cursed like a truck driver, which was allowable in a way because that’s what he did for a living, as you know already – Uh, did you ever drive trucks for a living, Gerry? No. Were you ever in the Navy? Army? No. On construction? Not that either, well, it doesn’t matter really – well, the thing is that both of you do, or did, a whole lot of ‘F-ing and blinding’ and so I got to thinking that it might be me who’s wrong here.

“So, because of that, I want to experiment a little. Here goes –

“Please fucking-well tell me something, Gerry dear. After eating the fucking omelet would you like some fucking marmalade or some ordinary fucking jelly to spread on the rest of the motherfucking toast?”