I THINK THAT WE’LL CLOSE EARLY TO NIGHT. 5-9-10
ROY GARDE.
“Now really, Neil. That’s the third time in ten minutes that you’ve pushed past me when it’s just as easy for you to go around the front of the desk!”
“Uh – oh – uh, I’m sorry I won’t – I didn’t mean to, uh –”
“Hey now! Don’t get all upset. Y’know, I am – well – let’s say ten, yes, I’m ten years older than you and I’ve been married three times and widowed once and divorced once and I did some dating in between all of them so I know a little something about men and I also know the difference between ugly, out-and-out sexual harassment and friendly, tentative – uh – brushings-past. They don’t bother me much but, please tell me why you are doing it seeing that you’ve never shown that kind of interest in me ever since I’ve been working here? Has something happened in your life that I don’t know about?”
“Well, yes there has, actually – – – – uh – – – – my wife has left me.”
“Oh, my word! That’s terrible news. So the rumor I heard yesterday was correct. I didn’t give it a second thought. I’m very sorry. Really I am. How long has it been now?”
“Since Saturday. It’s coming up to six whole days.”
“Ay Dios mio! Come on now! That’s not all that long ago and anyway it’s more like five days seeing that it’s only Thursday morning.“
“Five days and five long, long nights.”
“Well, yes. Five nights too, of course. Y’know, come to think about it, that makes sense because I’ve noticed that you’ve been getting increasingly squirrelly all week long and I should have guessed the reason because I can usually recognize sexual tension and needs in a man when I see them.”
“ ‘Tension and needs’ is right. It’s been hell for me, Awilda.”
“Really? After only five days? You really love her. Yes? – – – Oh, but wait, is it love that we’re talking about here or is it the other thing? Ay Dios mio! I can’t believe you men sometimes. You’re near to falling apart after only five days without getting any. That’s kind of hard to believe.”
“Well, it’s the five long nights that cause that. And please believe it. It’s hell for me.”
“Yes, I can see the pain in your eyes. You poor man – – – – – Well listen, let’s cut the BS here shall we and tell it like it is? This is the best job that I’ve ever had – not money-wise, as you know very well – but prestige-wise and in job satisfaction. Hoo! When I tell people that I run a bookstore – and I do too, don’t I? When you go away on those seminars and to all those conferences? – I see respect come into their eyes and that’s never happened to me before. And, besides that, I really do love being able to show a customer where he or she can find a particular book or to order one for them on the Internet.
“Uh, but that aside, do you know what Neil? I’ve liked you ever since I came to work here and – well, I guess that I can tell you about it now, seeing what’s happened to you – I sometimes get a kind of pleasant tingly feeling when you stand close to me and the number of men who have done that to me are few and far between.
“So, Neil, listen to me, please. The truth of the matter is that I can’t bear to see you being made so sad simply by not being able to get any loving for yourself, so, now pay attention to what I’m going to say to you, I won’t mind – uh – taking care of you now and again if you want. Call it, ‘doing my Christian duty’ if you like but it’s mainly because I don’t like seeing you moping around and feeling sorry for yourself all day.
“So, you now know how I stand as far as – uh – as far as that goes, don’t you? You can let me know what you want to do about it when you’ve thought it over.”
“Oh – uh – Awilda, I don’t need any time at all to think about it. I’d – uh – I’d really appreciate – uh – that – uh – and – uh – – – can we, please?”
“Ah huh! All right, ‘nuff said, Neil. I’m guessing from that that you want to take me up on my offer right now, am I right? Good. That’s settled things between us nicely then. We both know where we’re at, right? No es la verdad, m’hijo? Well, OK let’s do it. Do we have enough time do you think? Ah, no. Que mala suerte! Look, it’s nine twenty and so it’s only ten minutes before opening time and, knowing men as well as I do, ten minutes won’t be enough for you this first time, right? Well, it’s a pity but we’ll have to wait until tonight and then – ”
“NO. Please, we can’t do that. Wait. Let me think – – – – I know, I’ll open up a half hour late today. Let’s see – – – – Yes! I’ll write out ‘TEN” on this post-it note and then stick it over the ‘Nine Thirty’ notice on the door – – – ”
“Here, let me write it – your hands are shaking too much – – – there. While you’re doing that I’ll go to the office and get ready for you. OK?”
“Oh, yes please, Awilda. Oooh yes. I really would like that. Yes, please, let’s do that.”
// //
“OK. I’d better close the door, just in case – – – – there – – – – Oh no! Don’t touch me until I’ve told you what the ground rules are. Stand over there. No. A bit farther, please. Out of reach. – – – – Good.
“Now – number one – no kissing on the mouth. I reserve that for my husband ‘cos it’s only right. I wouldn’t mind an ordinary kiss I suppose but nowadays that always seems to lead to the French kind and I think that that’s far too intimate, and too unsanitary, to do with anybody you’re not married to.
“Next, don’t ask me to get completely undressed for you and the reason for that is – I’d better tell you this right away – it’s because I’ve only got one breast. I had a mastectomy operation eight years ago and so on the left side I’m as flat as a board. There’s not even a nipple left and the scars are ugly and nasty looking so be warned. Because of that my bra has to be industrial strength, seeing that my prosthesis is built into it, and so it’s difficult to take it off if you don’t know how. You can squeeze my other breast all that you want – please don’t ever call it a ‘tit’ if you don’t mind ‘cos that’s what animals have – but only outside my bra.
“Next – don’t expect me to go down on you, ever. I don’t mind doing it occasionally for my Harry but even then it’s only when we’re in the sixty-nine position. The togetherness helps me to get over the ‘disgust’ part, you know?
“Next – don’t expect me to lie down for you, ever, because that’s outright fornication and it would be disloyal to my husband and to my religion too.
“All right then. That’s all the rules that there are, Neil, so don’t look so baffled. You’ll soon see that’s it’s going to be all right. Right then, let’s get on with it.
“I’ll bend over this desk – – no, wait – – maybe that chair back would be better – – – let’s move over there – – – Right, yes, this’ll do nicely for us. Now, when I’ve gotten into position you can lift my dress up out of the way and then you can take my panties off if you like. Ooooh! You should have seen how your eyes lit up then! Do I know what men like, or do I?
“Oh! Hold on a minute! Wait till I bend over the – – Oh, well all right, now that they’re down you can take them off completely – – – wait, I’ll lift up one foot at a time for you – – – there – – – give them here and I’ll put them over here – Oooo! Wait a minute, can’t you? Take your finger out. There. I know that you’re eager but wait until I say. Now, why don’t you take your shoes and your pants off while I slip into the bathroom to freshen up back there for you.”
“No, Awilda. You don’t have to – “
“Ah. You’re that kind are you? Well, nothing wrong with that, I suppose because my darling first husband, may he Rest In Peace, was like that. But even so, if you don’t mind, I’m going to wash myself this first time because that way I know that we’ll avoid possible embarrassment but I’ll soon get to know what your inclinations are and, if you like, in future you can decide if you want to do the washing yourself or me or no one at all before we get started. OK?”
// //
“There, that’s better, I feel fresher n – Ay Dios mio! Que tienes alla? Look at you! You’re huge. Wow! It looks like it belongs on a donkey! Now listen here, Neil, if I’d known that you were that big I never would have – wow. – – – – – Let me touch it for a minute please – – – Wow, it’s as hard as steel! – – – Oh man, no way! – – – Yes, I know what you’re going to say, “But Awilda, you promised!’ I know what I promised but – – – Really! – – – Well – – – I guess that you’re right. I’ve got to go through with it now so OK but listen to me good. I can’t possibly take all of that so don’t try to push it all the way into me. OK? You got that? Not only will it hurt but you’ll ruin me for my Harry. And also, seeing that it’s thick too, remember to go very slowly with the first part – the head of it – or you might split me, you hear me? Good, and mind you don’t forget.
“Now – – – There. I’m ready. Put a condom on and bring that thing over to Mama.”
“Shit! I haven’t got one on me. Oh! Shit. Shit. Shit. I’m so stupid. Shit!”
“Shhhh. Please don’t be crude. And anyway, all is not lost because there’s a CVS across the street and they have a big selection at the far end.”
“I can’t buy them there, for crisake. Not this early in the morning. Everybody over there knows me.”
“That’s true, what was I thinking? Well. You’ll just have to drive over to Pleasantville and buy some in the Mall there. Won’t take you more than ten – oh, but wait – we’ve got to open up soon right?”
“Right and besides that I can hardly walk across this room no matter about drive to the next town seeing how far my hopes have been built up already and what it did for me. Look at it. It’s close to bursting. Oh, Awilda, please? Can’t we please manage without one this one time? If you’re worried about catching something from me I assure you that I haven’t been with another woman since, well, since my wife left.”
“Really? All through five whole days and nights? You surprise me! But no, it’s not that aspect that bothers me, well not all that much it’s not seeing that it’s you that we’re talking about, it’s mainly that all semen stinks and it will be running out of me all morning and so I’ll have to keep having to deal with it. Oh Neil, dear. There, there. Don’t look so desolated. I really do want to help you, believe me – – – Uh, well – – – If I let you will you promise to pull out in time?”
“I will, I will. I promise.”
“Well, all right then. But just this one time, remember. Go and get some paper towels and keep them to hand, OK?”
“Oh, thank you Awilda. Thank you so much – – – ”
Ready? OK, get in position and then let me see if we’re the right height for each other. I don’t want you to strain something.
“Ah, no – it’s not going to work like this. I’m much too low for you. Let me think – – – ah yes – – go and get those two telephone directories and I’ll stand on them – – – – – – – – – –
“There. Let’s try again, shall we?
“Ah. That’s better. That feels about right, now – – – Let me gui – Ooooh! It found me on its own, it must have a GPS built in. Ha! – – – OK then, go ahead but slowly, Neil. SLOWLY, I SAID, SLOWLY! Can’t you hear me? Oww! STOP! STOP! You’re hurting me and it’s in too far already. I told you not to go in – Aieeeee! Ay Dios Mio, you’re coming already – – – – – Eeech! It’s pouring out of you and it’s filling me up. Jesus, man, have you forgotten how to jerk that thing off? – – – –
“Eech, it’s still coming out! Oh, you poor man. I’ve never had this much pumped into me before, ever. – – – – – Wow, can there be any more of – ah, there. At last. It’s stopped I think. Dios mio! You poor man. No wonder you didn’t want to have to wait another minute.
“Well now, that’s done. Hand me all those paper towels and don’t pull it out until I say you can – – – – – – OK, now. Go ahead. – – – Well? Why aren’t you – Oh! It’s still rock hard isn’t it? How can that be? My God, you want to do it again already? I can’t believe it, how on – – – Wow! That’s so good. Oh, yes. Give it to me good, big boy – – – Ahhhh! Yes – – – – Yes, yes. Yes YES – – – – – – Aaaah – – – There!”
“Whew. I loved that. That was something all right. There. Now it’s getting smaller, thank God. Wait till I get the towels in place – there. OK, now pull it out – – – Wow! What did I tell you? A deluge! – – – –
“There, I think that that’s all for right now but I know one thing for sure – after that lot I’ll have to go home and douche properly if I don’t want to have to practically stay in the bathroom all morning dealing with the rest of it as it comes down and out.
“Well now, Neil dear, we’ve done it, right? I’ll bet that you’ve got a whole lot better outlook on life now, right? Of course you do. I know a lot about men and that one’s for sure, right?”
“That is indeed very true. Thank you, Awilda. I’m forever in your debt.”
“Es la verdad, my friend, it’s the whole truth. Well. I’ve got to drive home. I’ll be back in an hour or so. All right?”
“Sure. Take all the time you need.”
// //
“Ha, you’re back. There are no customers so come into the office a minute please Awilda. We can talk there.
– – – – – – –
“So, tell me, were there any problems? Did your husband ask what were you doing home?”
“My husband’s at work. The house is empty otherwise I wouldn’t have gone there. Well, if you must know, I douched twice and then I lay down on the bed for fifteen minutes or so and then I douched again. I had to use a whole lot of it. Can you smell the liquid that I used? It’s called ‘Wild Flowers,’ ”
“Ah, yes, I thought I could smell flowers when you came in. I like it. Uh, Awilda. How can I apologize properly? You were so nice to me and look what I did!”
“No, no, no. You should forget about it. I already have. Ugly things like that just happen, sometimes. Put it out of your mind. That’s what I do.”
“Uh, Awilda. I don’t know how to ask you this but – uh – “
“Ha! Do I know what makes men tick or what? When I was lying down in my house a little while ago do you know what came to my mind? I made a bet with myself that you’d ask me if you could do it again within five minutes of my getting back! Want to know how I knew? It’s because like with all men when they’ve done it doggie style they feel cheated. You don’t just want to get it off, you want to get full body contact and get some lolling in afterwards. Right? You got physical relief but you didn’t get any deep-down real satisfaction out of it. Am I right?”
“You’re completely right, it was good but I feel cheated somehow. I’ve been drained but I still need to – uh – know a woman. Badly. Uh, can we Awilda? Please?”
“Ha! We sure can because let me tell you what also came to me when I was lying down at home. I realized that I like you so much, and have done so ever since I came to work here, that doing it like that left me unsatisfied too. I want to feel your weight on top of me and I want to be able to kiss you when we’re doing it.”
“Wow, that’s good to hear. Well, I’ll take the cushions from the chairs and the sofa and line them up on the floor and – ”
“What are you saying? You want to do it right now? Who will look after the shop?”
“Shit yes. You’re right. Well what about after we’ve closed, maybe?”
“Please don’t be crude, Neil dear. Well, I’m all for it but things happen so let’s wait and see how we feel then shall we? Oh, another thing, remember that I can’t be late getting home because it might arouse suspicion.”
“All right, I’ll close up a half hour early if there are no customers around. OK? Please? I need it badly, Awilda, so please don’t be mean.”
“Well. As I said, I’ll see. Are you going to buy some condoms?”
“I’m going right this minute. And thank you again. You’re an angel. Really you are.”
// //
“Wow, I thought that guy would never leave. Agonizing over a six-dollar kids’ book! I was this close to telling him that he could have it for free if he’d go away but I remembered in time that he’d probably spread the word and not long after that this place would get to look like an old folks’ home.
“Well, anyway. He’s gone at last so I’ll lock up and put the ‘Closed’ sign up even though it’s twenty minutes early. Can we go to the office then Awilda, please? You did kind of promise.”
“I did, didn’t I? Well, you kind of go ahead and close up and I’ll kind of finish closing the till and then I’ll kind of join you in a few minutes.”
“Ah, good. You’ve put the cushions down, I see. Can we both get completely naked please? Man1 I’ve been looking forward to this minute all day – – – –
“There. Uh, help me with these two clasps please. There. Now please listen to me Neil. I’m going to let you see my – uh – wound now while you’re still hard and eager to go and you won’t get turned off too easily. I want to do this because, like I told you already, it’s important for me that we’re both completely naked when we do it. No secrets, right? – – – – – Ready? – – – There.
“Wow! You don’t mind seeing and touching them! And my God, you’re going to kiss them too! Wow! I can’t hardly believe it. – – – You are such a nice man, Neil.”
“You’ve got it wrong, Awilda, very wrong. I’m not looking at nor kissing your scars at all, I’m looking at and kissing your left breast. Where it was and where it is to this day – in essence. To me it’s as much there as the other one is. That’s because I love everything about all women’s breasts and your letting me have full access to yours is such a wonderful gesture that I can actually visualize the left one’s shape and presence and how it smelled and tasted and felt.”
“Oh! Oh, what a nice thing to say to me. Oh, dear, dear Neil. I’m really moved. Let me kiss you properly. Mmmmmmm – oh no! No tongue. I told you didn’t I? I don’t want – oh, but there, it sure did feel good. Well. OK. Where’s the harm, right? Just a little then. – – – – – – –
“Ooooh, what is that’s poking at me. Let me see – – God in heaven look at the size of it. Unbelievable except that it’s pushing at me like a battering ram. Well, help me to lie down on the cushions so we can get on with it – – – – there. Now, bring it to Mama.”
“Great. I’ll do that, Awilda – – – here it is but what about the rules? You said no kissing and no undressing and no lying down but now we’re doing all of those things.”
“Ha! The reason’s obvious. My body’s response to your body is so strong that the rules are now out the window.”
“And the other one? The last one about ‘no blow jobs?’ ”
“Well, let’s keep that one in force, shall we? – I have to keep something that’s for my Harry alone, right? And besides that, I’d dislocate my jaw if I tried that with you. Now, enough talking – gimme that thing.”
“Oh! You’ve put a rubber on – oh, no. I don’t want that. I want to feel your skin all the way in and the heat of it so lift up a bit so that I can take it off. – – – – – There.
“All right, go ahead but slowly please. There – – – – – – – – – – –
“We did it! – – – – – It usually takes me years of practice to come together but we did it the first time! No. I lie. It was the third time wasn’t it? But maybe the first two don’t count, right? Oh, but Neil dear, that last time was marvelous. The best for years and years. I mean that – I can’t hardly remember coming with that much intensity. You’re wonderful. NO! Don’t pull it out. Lie still please and let it ease itself out on it’s own. I like that to happen because it feels more natural. Like we’re sharing more. Like we’re sharing all the way to the very end. Less abrupt, you know? No hurry to part, right?”
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
“There.
“Neil? Neil honey? Was it really good for you, too?”
“Yes, Awilda. It was really good. Thank you very much.”
“Oh, Neil honey, please don’t thank me. It’s way beyond thanks, I think. Even if it hadn’t been good for either of us it would still be way beyond saying, ‘Thank you, Mar’m.’ because it’s so basic and so personal and so intimate a thing for a woman to do – think about it – opening her self up and letting a guy push his thing way up inside her body and then hurt her again and again with it where she’s most tender and not to mention letting him inject her with all that nasty, smelly stuff – it’s pretty amazing and it’s a lot to ask, right? – and y’know dear, seeing that it was great for both of us – right? – you really should make the effort to think up something more appropriate to the occasion for next time than ‘Thank you, Awilda’. OK, dear?”
“OK. You’re absolutely right. I’ll do just that.”
“Good, now get off me and then we’ll put these cushions back and then I want you to sit next to me on the sofa so that I can hold it for a while – now that it’s non-threatening I want to hold it and marvel at it because it really is big – and when we’re doing that I want you to tell me all about your problems and we’ll see if I can help you with them. Is that OK with you?”
“It sure is but I don’t know how you can help me. Marisa has disappeared into the depths of Jersey City and, most likely, never to emerge. But – well let me do what you asked with theses cushions.”
– – – – –
“There.”
“Wow, look at it just lolling there all across your thigh and hanging down. It’s like a snake but it’s got a better – uh – what do you call it in English when something sits perfectly in your hand, like this?”
“You say, ‘It’s got a nice heft to it.’ ”
“Ah, ‘A nice heft.’ Well this sure does have a nice heft to it and, not to mention, a nice potential too. Ha! Y’know Neil, this is good. My holding it like this makes me feel – uh – secure for some reason. I guess it’s because I know that it’s on my side now. Ha!
“Well now, can I ask you about your wife?”
“Sure.”
“Good. Well first, how did you meet her? Her family is down in Jersey City you said. right? They’re Mexican I think or is it Puerto Rican?”
“They’re Mexican and there are dozens of them, maybe hundreds. My God, they really are a happy bunch of people and boy do they know how to party! They have so much fun that I decided to learn Spanish to try to have as much fun as they do, you know?”
“Are you taking a course in Spanish?”
“No, don’t have to. I stock a half dozen of ‘The Best Way To Learn Spanish’ courses and most of them have CD’s so I just take my pick.”
“Do you speak it at home?”
“We do, yes, although she gets – uh – she used to get impatient at my slowness with picking up the vocabulary so we’d revert back to English then. I’m kind of slow with picking up words because there’s no short cut to that, right?”
“Very true and the idiomatic phrases are tricky too, right? I remember how difficult it was for me when I had to learn to speak good English instead of Spanglish. But, listen, once you get right into it – seriously you know? – it gets easier. It starts to come to you somehow when you work hard at it.”
“Yes? That’s good to know.”
“Yes. So, how did you meet her?”
“When I first bought this store I started a book reading club and she was one of the first members. She’s a Dental Hygienist and she had a job in the clinic in the Mall. Anyway we hit it off – can’t say that for the club though because only a half dozen women joined and they were either just looking for some place warm to hang out in or they were pain-in-the-ass lit-fanatics who insisted on choosing DEP’s instead of contemporary American authors like I wanted to read and they demanded that everything be done according to the time table and strictly by the rules and so I gave up and I ‘forgot’ to start it up again the second year – but Marisa and I fell in love and that didn’t end with the club.”
“When was this?”
“Oh, about four years ago, we’ve been married for three.”
“Ah. Well, tell me, please Neil – that is if it’s not too personal – how did she, Marisa, cope with your – uh – with the size of this? First of all, how old was she then?”
“She was just twenty one when we got married. Uh, please don’t ask about the other thing! I don’t want to talk about that, ever. It was the reason that our honeymoon was the worst – not the best as it should have been – the worst week of my life. Of ‘our lives,’ I should say because she hardly stopped crying the whole time.”
“Crying? On her honeymoon? Oh, you really should tell me all about it, Neil, because if I know all the facts I’ll know how to help you better.”
“Well I appreciate it but I don’t think that anybody can.”
“Yes, maybe you’re right, but listen, if you tell me what happened between you I might be able to come up with something. I’m older than you and not only do I have more experience but seeing that my family came from Mexico too that might give me some insight as to how she’s feeling about you right now. Also, I’d like to add, you shouldn’t forget the fact that she’s got a large Mexican family living not too far away and some hot heads among them could be feeling vindictive knowing that someone outside their family has hurt one of their own.”
“Jesus! You think they’ll come after me?”
“I do indeed. Some of our men don’t always think rationally like you gringos do. So, maybe you’d better tell me everything. Right? Good, well now, if her problem is what I think it is then I suggest that we work up to it by you telling me how your life in general, before you got married, was affected by your being born with such a huge – uh – with this thing.”
“Wow! Well I’ll do that but first tell me something. Are you sure about their being vindictive towards me? I don’t think so because they all seem to like me and I know that they respect me enormously for being a bookstore owner. That really impresses them.”
“Yes, I’m sure it is, in fact I know it is because I’ve been told that often ever since I started working here. But, even with that in your favor, you should know that when things like ‘dishonor’ and ‘disrespect’ and ‘family pride’ comes into the picture it affects most Mexican men directly and, especially after a few beers, all restraints and, uh, like that, get forgotten in the heat of the moment. You know?”
“Jesus! Yes I do see. – – – Well then, where shall I start with my history?”
“High school, I think.”
“OK. Well, let’s get one thing straight right now. Most people think that being well endowed is a blessing for a guy but it’s not, not at all, it’s more like a curse.
“When the other kids found out about it in the first year they never let me forget it. They called me all kinds of names – like, ‘Donkey dick’ and ‘The hose man’ – and just about every time that we were taking a shower after a game someone would come up behind me and he’d reach through my legs and grab it from behind and he’d pull me around the locker room with it. Also, at other times they’d regularly gang up on me and push me down onto the grass and then they’d pull my pants down and they’d hoot and holler and call me a ‘fucking animal’ and then throw whatever was to hand – dirt or water or grass – at it. I learned early on to take a shower at home if I could and that when the other things happened the only thing for me to do was to pretend that I was taking it all in fun. But it was really difficult for me and, anyway, who could I go to for help?
“Well, from sixth or seventh grade on the girls got know what I’ve got, of course, and they’d stay well away from me in the day time, to be sure that no one would think that we were friends, but some of them would slip me notes and when I met them someplace – it would always be three or four of them ‘cos there’s strength in numbers, right? – they’d want to play ‘doctor’ but it was always my turn to be the patient first and when they got to see it properly that would be the end of the game because they’d stare at in shock and disbelief and then run off giggling nervously as they wondered how they’d be able to accommodate one like it in future.
“Well, because of that I was still a virgin when I went to college in Rutgers. It’s a huge place and although I met up with lots of girls there as soon as they – uh – as soon as it got to be time to get intimate they’d find out what they’d have to deal with and that would be it, right then and there.
“Well, I got to be so frustrated that I started going to Atlantic City to pay prostitutes but even they wouldn’t go with me more than once. They’d tell me that I’d ruin them for their ‘average’ johns.
“So, I had to learn to subdue my urges most of the time although, over the four years, a few girls accepted the challenge but they’d never let me push it into them. They’d just marvel at it as they gave me a hand-job. It was more like a scientific project for them than anything else.
“Well, do you want to know what saved my sanity, and maybe my health? Well, I got on the internet one night and I found something that was called ‘The Cuntry – that’s spelled c-u-n-t-r-y, of course, – Comforter.’ It’s pink and round and it’s as big as – uh – as big as that black coffee mug over there on the sink and it’s made of hard plastic and the front of it is made of soft plastic that’s molded to look like a woman’s – uh – vulva. It has nice red labia and it even has some pubic hairs. There are small sponges supplied to let you custom fit it and you rig it to a suitable chair or table and then you kneel and – uh – go at it. Uh, to avoid making a mess it has a removable and washable plastic bag at the back.
“Well, it’s kind of pathetic I know but, like I said, it was a lifesaver and maybe I’ll have to get it out and put it to use again soon.”
“All right, I get the picture, now tell me about what happened between you and Marisa.”
“Well, when I fell in love with her I tried to warn her about it but she’d never touch it to find out for herself – just as she’d never let me feel her up properly even when we were engaged and the wedding date had been set – and whenever I brought it up she’d giggle and say something like, ‘Ha! Aren’t I the lucky one?’ or, ‘Don’t keep telling me that as if it’s a bad thing because all of my friends tell me that the bigger the better.’
“Well, when she saw it properly in the hotel room on our wedding night she couldn’t come to terms, in her head, with what she was looking at. Of course, she’d expected to, and had really wanted to, become ‘una mujer de verdad,’ as she told me, and she wanted that to happen right away and so she was valiant about it and she kept insisting that we try again but it took three nights before I could get even the head of it into her. By the last night I was able to get in a few inches more and then, by putting two pillows between our bellies and after I’d taught her how to help me by using her hands on the rest of it, we were able to generate enough friction to get it done without hurting her too much.
“Well, we were both relieved about that and we still use that method and I’ve had to learn to be satisfied with it.
“Well, back to our honeymoon. I’d stupidly figured that she knew enough to take the pill but she thought that I’d take care of that aspect and the result of that was – she got pregnant on our honeymoon and our daughter, Maria Elena, was born exactly nine months after our wedding.
“Now we come to the part that I’m truly ashamed of. I’d had to stay away from her for months before the birth – ‘Doctor’s orders’ she told me – and so, when she’d brought the baby home and her mother had gone back to her own home after a few weeks of helping her – I – uh – just had to get some relief and so I – uh – persuaded her to let me put it in, just the head of it of course, and in my extreme need I flooded her and – wouldn’t you know it with my luck – my son, Geraldo Luis, was born nearly eleven months after his sister.”
“Oh, the poor girl! What a terrible thing to happen to her!”
“Yeah, I know. Well, when she brought that baby home the doctor had given her a supply of the Pills already and he also warned me to leave her alone for at least three months.
“Well, I called my comforter back into service yet again and when it got to be time to start doing it properly again were both delighted to find that the second baby had opened her up some and so we only had to put one pillow between us from then on.
“I thought from that that we were in good shape and it’s been more than a year since then and I thought that she was happy but when I got home last Saturday there was a note on the table that told me that she had left me and had taken the two kids back to her parent’s house.”
“Oh dear. That’s so sad. I’m very sorry. – – – – Uh – you can’t think of anything bad that happened in the last two or three weeks while she was still living with you?”
“Nope, nothing. I’ve wracked my brains but – ”
“Well then, lets’ talk about her life in general with you, OK?”
“Sure.”
“Well, I know at first hand that you’re a very virile man so tell me how many times do you – did you – want to make love to her?”
“Well, every night and every morning, of course, and several times extra on Sundays and Mondays when the store is closed and I stay at home. Her mother takes the kids to her home on Saturday afternoon for the weekend and that let’s us call Saturday nights ‘Nature night’ and that night and on Sundays after church we stay naked and we go at it like goats until around four in the afternoon when her parent’s bring the kids home.”
“Man, that’s a lot of – uh – love making. Tell me, did Marisa cope with it well? Did she seem to enjoy it as much as you did?”
“Oh, you think that’s excessive? You should remember that I’m still catching up on all the years that I had to go without any at all – uh – that is with a real woman, I mean. Well, the truth is that I can’t seem to get enough, ever – uh – except right now, that is. It was so good with you that I feel content all the way to my core for the first time that I can remember.”
“I feel the same way and, in my case too, it’s for the first time in a long time but we’re talking about Marisa now. You said that you did it to her ‘every morning and night’ and many more times on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Well that’s – uh, let’s see – – – – yes, that’s about twenty times every week man. That would be a lot for any woman to deal with but remembering how big your – uh – how big this is, she must have felt battered beyond belief – Diablo! She was being battered beyond belief – and on top of all that she had to look after two infants most of the time. Did she get any help around the house, at all?”
“Well, sure. I helped her with the housework – the vacuuming and some of the cooking and the clothes washing and, like that – and I did nearly all the grocery shopping every week and I called her every afternoon to ask what I should bring home with me for dinner and I fixed broken things the minute that she asked me and I dealt with the garbage and the re-cycling and the gardening too. All that she had to do was to take care of the kids and she loved doing that and that’s why I was so surprised by what she wrote in the note that she left for me.
“Hell, most of it doesn’t even make sense. She said that ‘I’m tired of being bored so often’ and ‘I’m totally broken’ and ‘I can’t take it anymore’ and something baffling about being ‘terrified of getting embarrassed again’ and ‘not wanting Irish trellizos,’ whatever they are!”
“Well. I don’t know why she’d say that she was ‘worn out’ either if you did all of the heavy work around the house like you said. Was she healthy?”
“Yeah, I guess so. Except for walking funny at times.”
“How do you mean ‘walking funny at times?’ ”
“Well, she sometimes used to go very slowly and put one leg forward and then bring up the other one like old people do. I used to see it all the time until she quit working, which she had to because she developed lower back problems and – ”
“Wait a minute. When did she have to stop working? How long after you got married?”
“Not all that long. No more than two months after her first maternity leave was over. She used to take pills by the handful but they didn’t help her much.”
“I’m guessing that she stayed in bed every morning until you left for work. Right?”
“Yeah. That’s correct. Unless the kids started crying to be fed or changed.”
“Oh dear! So that that was another burden for her was it? She was breast feeding both of them?”
“Yeah, she’d been told that it’s best for babies if they keep having mother’s milk until they’re at least one year old.”
“Yes, I was told that too but after three months I said to hell with it because it was too demanding and it made it next to impossible for me to back to work. Well now, tell me more about this ‘walking funny at times.’ ”
“Ah, let’s see. When we were walking to church on Sunday mornings to early mass and on Saturday evenings around the house and just about all the time on vacations.”
“Did you make love lots of times every day on vacation?”
“Well, yes, of course. Doesn’t everybody?”
“Well, let’s let that go. Now, all right Neil, I think that I’ve got the complete picture but there’s one more thing. About your wife’s note – you don’t have it here with you do you?”
“No. It’s at home.”
“Pity, well please tell me again what it said – as much as you can remember. I’m guessing that she wrote it Spanish, am I right?
“Yeah, in Spanish. Well let’s see, there were the things that I’ve already mentioned and, ah – – – oh yes, she accused me a half dozen times of being selfish and taking from her all the time like, for instance, ‘For you it’s take, take, take day and night and I can’t take it anymore.’ That sounds totally irrational to me. What do I take from her? Nothing, that’s what. In fact I’m constantly giving her flowers and candy and other stuff that I think she might like so where is that ‘taking’ stuff coming from?”
“Uh, Neil. Try to tell me that last phrase exactly as she wrote it in Spanish.”
“Sure, uh, let’s see – ‘Con tuyo es nada mas que coger, coger, coger en los dias y en las noches y lo siento pero yo no quiero ni puedo tomarlo mas.’ ”
“Ah, I thought so. Now I know why she left you. Listen, the verb ‘coger’ is a perfectly good word in Castilian and it is in everyday use in Spain and in most of the other Spanish speaking countries of the world but, and this is a big but, that’s not true anymore in Mexico and in a few of the countries near it. It has been totally, and I mean completely, polluted so that no self-respecting person there ever uses it today. Never.
“It means only one thing now and that is, ‘to fuck,’ sorry about being so crude. That and nothing else. So, in that sentence what she’s saying is, ‘With you it’s nothing but fuck, fuck, fuck every day and every night and I’m sorry but I don’t want to, nor can I take it’ – she used ‘tomarlo’ here and that verb ‘tomar’ still means ‘to take’ – ‘nor can I take it anymore.’ You see?”
“Jesus! Really? . . . My God! Really? . . . You’re kidding, right? No! Jesus . . . what an asshole I am. Uh, what about some of the other words she used – uh – ‘roto’ for instance. Doesn’t it mean ‘broken’? And she said something about not wanting to be embarrassed again. What’s that all about?”
“Well, ‘roto’ can mean broken and it can also mean ‘worn’ as in ‘worn out.’ And ‘embarazo’ doesn’t mean ‘embarrassed,’ it translates as ‘pregnancy.’ Uh, I’m guessing that you mistranslated some other words too so bring the note in tomorrow, all right? Also, ‘trellizos Irlandes’ are ‘Irish triplets’ and although that’s impossible, unless the mother gives birth to real twins at one end of the year, you can see why she made up that phrase. Oh, there’s one more I’m afraid, ‘aburrido’ doesn’t mean ‘bored’ as in ‘bored with life’ it means being physically bored or penetrated or drilled.”
“My God! Did I ever get it wrong? Well then, all of that it means is that she really doesn’t want to live with me anymore, right? – – – You know, she did say at the end that she still loves me but is that enough? I don’t think it will be. I’ve lost her, and my kids, haven’t I?”
“No, not necessarily. But it depends on what you do now. One thing’s for sure – you’ll have to fight to get her back because she won’t come on her own . . . . . Uh, let me think for a minute – – – – – –
“Uh, you know something, Neil, I’ve got a plan that might work but only if you’re positive sure that she loves you as much as you love her. ”
“She does, yes, and as much as we both love the kids. So what’s this plan?”
“Well, things have got to change drastically, of course, but, first things first, before you leave here tonight, you have to call her and ask her to meet you tomorrow down in Jersey City somewhere that’s easy for her to get to. Uh, that would be a good idea for another reason too and it’s because the weekend is getting near and the guys in her family might be waiting for Saturday to come looking for you.”
“Jesus!”
“Yes. Well, when you meet her you’ve got to tell her that you’re sorry and that you know that you were wrong and promise that you won’t be so sexually demanding in future. Whoa now, don’t look that alarmed because my plan will help you with that. You want to know what it is?”
“Wow! Do I ever. Please.”
“All right, here it is. Uh, I’m afraid that it means that having a vasectomy is in your immediate future. Wait. Let me finish telling the whole plan and then you can protest and make comments.
“Well now, you already have a son and a daughter and two kids are plenty for any family in these times but the reason that it’s essential that you get it done is that poor Marisa must be dreading, dreading the thought of getting pregnant again. Just try to imagine yourself in her shoes and having to deal with trellizos Irlandes!
“Wow, you’ve gone all white. Uh, better let me tell you something right away that will surprise you no end and offer some comfort. A vasectomy isn’t nearly as bad as you think it is. My second husband had one – his two kids from his first marriage turned out bad, I mean really bad and were a huge disappointment for him, and he swore that he’d never have another one so before he married me he had the operation done – and he was a hound before it was done and just as much of a hound after it. He just couldn’t get enough and he nearly wore me out the first year before he started too – – – well, that’s another story.
“Well now, besides the peace of mind that having it done brings to both sides there are several other plusses that come with it – be sure to tell Marisa about them when you meet up tomorrow – for instance, a lot of doctors say that all women should get regular injections of a man’s fluids for their health’s sake – certainly that’s true for our complexions and everybody knows that it helps us avoid having, uh, bad cramping every month – and it give our bodies balance in general as far as our hormones are concerned. She should also know that because those fluids don’t have any semen in them anymore they don’t stink and so she won’t have to worry about having to hurry off to douche after every – uh – injection.
“So, having the operation – they call it a ‘procedure’ now because it can be done in an hour or so and you’ll only need to rest up for a few more hours and after a couple of days of healing you’ll be as good as new – will solve her biggest problem but now we come to how you can deal with the second biggest one. That is the high number of times that you want to have sex with her.
“First off, I want to tell you that I’m being a bit selfish in this. Like we both said earlier, I’ve never felt so – what was it? – uh, ah yes, so ‘content to the very core’ as I do right now and I’d really like to find a way to get to feel like this regularly in future.
“Well, that said, you know that the reason for our feeling so satisfied is, on your part, you can get all the way into me and then go at it as hard as you want and then ‘let it soak’ (as my Harry puts it) all you want afterwards and that’s for the first time with any woman, right?”
“That’s true,”
“Yes, and for me, it’s because it’s the first time that I’ve felt properly (pardon my language, please, but it’s the only word that describes the feeling anywhere near accurately) that I’ve felt properly fucked since I gave birth to my first baby and that’s a long time to have to go without.
“Well, as I said, the second biggest problem for Marisa is having to let you have sex so often. Right? Yes. So, this is what I think we should do to deal with that – I suggest that we both come to work a half hour earlier every morning, I know all too well about you men having ‘morning chubbies,’ and use that time to make love right here. Also, I suggest that we both go home a half hour later every night so that we can do it here again then too.
“Do you see? By our doing that you’ll get to be so satisfied that you probably won’t have to do it to her during the week at all – you see?”
“Sure. Sounds like it will work. It’s a clever idea, but, uh, what about Sundays and Mondays when I’m home all day?”
“Yes, well I’ve got a plan for that too. You want to hear it? Yes. Well here goes. It’s kind of weird but stay with me. Uh, you know that – uh – that ‘Comforter’ with the ugly name that you bought once? You still have it, right? Good, well bring it in tomorrow and we’ll experiment with it. I’m hoping that we’ll find a way to – uh – cushion it so that neither you nor Marisa will be hurt by it when it’s between you when you have sex. You see? You can put it on before hand and when you’re inside her she can reach down and hold it steady – or maybe we can think up a way to anchor it in place somehow – and that way you’ll think that you’re deep inside her and she’ll only have five or six inches of your actual flesh to deal with. Ha! Brilliant. Right?”
“God in heaven! What a thing to come up with! It’s either brilliant or ridiculous.”
“Brilliant, I think, and, what’s more, by doing this she’ll get the benefits of receiving your fluids and, even more important, she’ll be able to be a proper wife to you again regularly and that’s really important to all Hispanic women, believe me.”
“Wow! Awilda, you’re a genius. I can hardly wait to tell her. It’s such a good and positive plan that it’ll bring her and the kids back home in a matter of days after I’ve had that – uh – that procedure. I’ll call my doctor’s office tomorrow to get it set it up.”
“Good. Yes, it is a good and positive plan and, on top of that, it will make for a – let’s see – uh – that’s one, two, three, four, five – yes, it will make for a win, win, win, win, win situation, as they say.”
“Five? There’s Marisa and me and there’s you, of course, but who are the other two?”
“Well, there’s this sweet trouser-snake that’s sleeping so peacefully and that fits so nicely and heavily in my hand – it will win more than all of the rest of us combined! – well then, he’s number four and then there’s my Harry. From now on instead of having to secretly – so he thinks! – take a Viagra pill after dinner every Friday to be able to perform for me on our ‘Friday Night Is Nature Night’ routines he’ll be able to pour himself a glass of vodka and go and watch TV until bedtime, which is what he’d much rather do nowadays – and has done so for several years!
“However, I’ll start to ‘accidentally’ let him see some choice parts of me on Sunday afternoons and holidays to remind him what’s available because, fully content or not, being a wife for my man is as important for me as it is for Marisa. Doing that is so fundamental in our culture that all Latinas fully understand why the word ‘mujer’ is used for both ‘wife’ and ‘woman.’ ”
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